I am kaitco

a writer's log

I need to do more Sunday, July 31, 2011

Filed under: Dorienne,Writing — kaitco @ 11:45 pm
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Another month has come and gone and once again, I found myself simply giving up on what I needed to do. There was simply too much of it, I was simply too tired and I simply could not conceive of trying to do more…so I didn’t.

Each month after a massive fail like this one, I tell myself that I refuse to let last month go the way this month did and I vow that I’ll do better, but I don’t and I end up in the same cycle I was previously because I just managed to get away with doing the barest sense of the minimum. The urge to do the same was ever present this evening. All I really wanted to do is say, “Well, tomorrow begins another month,” I’m not gonna!

I’m making some changes in my life because I must do more with my life.

A while ago (probably about two years ago) I made this list of things I’d like to do on a daily basis that would make me the ideal representation of myself and was a step-by-step guide to my day which included everything from flossing to specific time set aside to play The Sims. I hung my guide in my bedroom and while I would scan it bemusedly from time to time, I never really edited it or adhered to it.

Tonight, I remade the list for an ideal Dorienne and I’m not sure whether it is because of the bounce I feel after failing as hard and as fast I did today or because it’s beginning of a new month and I’m feeling inspired, but this time around, I really do intend to stick to my list.

I’ve not made a promise like this to myself in while and probably not since my Livejournal days, but if I’ve learned anything about myself this year is that I really can create a goal and stick to it. I decided this year that I’d write a post every day, and have. I decided to write some of my novel every day, and have. I decided to write a minimum amount of words in said novel and, again, I have. I’ve set several goals this year and made good on them, so as I see it in this blog, this goal shouldn’t be any different.

I don’t expect that I’ll wake the 1st of August and become an entirely new person; I just want to do more with my life. I want to be on time for things and get jobs accomplished when expected of me. I want to be the reliable adult I’m expected to be at this stage of my life.

I wrote 354 words tonight (I don’t like being touched,” Damen said.) and I’ve decided to up my daily word count to a whopping 300 words going forward. Tomorrow I’m scheduled to write some more just after laundry and piano, but before playing any game (Rock Band included). Perhaps I’ll stick to the list verbatim and perhaps I won’t. I just want to do something more…


Relief Saturday, July 30, 2011

Filed under: Dorienne,Writing — kaitco @ 12:02 pm
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I’m starting to feel a bit better and I owe a lot of that to Aleve which is brought me out of a lot of pain since I was just a schoolgirl. 🙂

I haven’t much to say this morning, but I’m happy for once that I’ve slept without any dreams. Perhaps, it’s timing my meals in relation to when I decide it’s time for sleep, but I’m thanking God daily that they’ve stopped for now. Today may hold a whole new handful of troubles, however, so I won’t get up my hopes just yet.

I wrote 489 words this morning (She’s just gonna leave it like that?”) and I find myself with this sudden of rush of adrenaline when it comes to Damen. I thought after watching HP7 that I’d have to physically tear myself away from Nostrum, but all my thoughts have surrounded Damen lately. I think I may have been right the other day when I said I needed “closure” on my Harry Potter experience. Not that I won’t give Nostrum my full attention one day, but that it could slip so easily from the forefront of my mind…I guess I really am an adult now.


Self-sufficient Friday, July 29, 2011

Filed under: Dorienne,Writing — kaitco @ 10:33 pm
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I think one of the main reasons I hate going to the doctor is that I dislike the fact that there was something happening to me that I could not predict, could not understand and could not remedy on my own. As far as I’m concerned, the person who knows how best to handle anything going on with me is me, so each time I go to the doctor and wait to be told something about myself, I’m more than a little irritated.

I’m further irritated when they tell me something I already know, but what irritates me most of all when it comes to doctor’s visits is when I calm down and research whatever is wrong with me and understand my “condition” on my own. I can take needing to go to a doctor so that she can give me the prescription I need to treat whatever it is, but it’s leaving the office without some answers and then finding those answers on my own that leaves me feeling as if I’ve been cheated.

I knew today that I had an ear infection going into the doctor’s office, but I couldn’t understand why I’ve received another one in so many weeks. As I couldn’t get in to see my normal doctor, I saw the other at the site and was given what I consider a “this happens so often, I’m not going to bother trying to speculate” answer and was sent on my way with a prescription. In too much pain to ask further questions, I left the office only to spend some time researching swimmer’s ear and various infections on my own. I know now why this is happening and what I can do to prevent it going forward, but damn I’m irritated that I couldn’t have had my stuff together earlier to reduce some of the overall aggravation of my day.

I think some of this irritation with doctors is that I just can’t trust them. At one point, I was on my way towards medical school and was taking all the coursework required and making all the connections on the entrance board at OSU needed to ensure my success. I’ve long since deviated from that path, but the fact that someone like me could have become one of these doctors, diagnosing people, prescribing medications and even performing surgeries makes me a little nauseated. Not to say that medicine is something that anyone can do, but I know that if I could do it, then how many other equally half-way scattered minds like mine got their diplomas as well?

I suppose overall, I like being completely self-sufficient in all things and needing someone to do anything for me is an annoyance I really couldn’t take today.

Once the Aleve kicked in, I wrote 303 words (and the carnage would ensue) tonight and may even write a little more if the pain stays low for a bit longer.

I’ve been in quite a bit of pain recently, hence the reason for the specific tag, but because I’m “self-sufficient,” I’d rather suffer with the pain until I completely understand the answer I’ll receive prior to getting it from someone else than concede that there’s something that I don’t know about myself. These are demons with whom I’ll have to eventually make peace, but for now…I’m self-sufficient.


Another ache Thursday, July 28, 2011

Filed under: Dorienne,Writing — kaitco @ 11:17 pm
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Though I haven’t been to my doctor yet, I know I’ve got another ear infection. This is just so infuriating for me. It’s not like I’m a dirty person or something and I took all my antibiotics! And, why am I getting them now all of a sudden!?! Grr!

I haven’t much to say tonight…just sitting here listening to opera on Pandora and running through my weekly routine to understand why God has smote me this way. Ear infection notwithstanding, I wrote 401 words tonight (horizontal on them, Damen could not tell.) and…well, I really haven’t got much to say tonight.


Dorienne e l’opera Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Filed under: Music,Writing — kaitco @ 11:59 pm
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Every so often, I hit a new musical stage in my life. Many times these overlap with one another and some come stronger than others, but by the time I recognize that I’m in love with a new musical genre, I’m already way too obsessed to extract myself from it and can only ride the wave of music. A year ago, it was J-pop; a few months ago, it was Green Day and anything I could play in Rock Band; currently, it’s opera.

The song I posted yesterday (Con te Partiro by Andrea Bocelli) has become my current favorite song and if I was in the mood to update Dorienne Smith.com, I’d list it as such. I’m not even entirely sure how I came across this song…It may have come up on Pandora as a cover and perhaps I searched out the original; I’m not entirely sure and it doesn’t really matter. The fact is, if I wasn’t completely enamoured with opera music prior to “discovering” this song, now, I’m totally there. I’ve even decided to incorporate some opera into Nostrum for now, though, this may change as I continue writing. I originally intended to spill Michael Jackson songs all through Damen, but have since scaled that back to just one song and then added a Green Day song when all I listened to for a month straight was their music.

I wrote 362 words tonight (shook his head, though he agreed with them) despite the day I’ve had. I think what I enjoy most about opera is that, aside from being able to write to it just like I would any chosen playlist of “writing music,” I don’t understand a word of Italian or French or German, but I still understand the emotion from the music. Now, I’ve just got to find my way to a live opera while this desire is still kicking…


Enter the queen Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Filed under: Writing — kaitco @ 11:58 pm
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So after many, many months of writing, I’ve finally introduced Tatum Price to Damen. Like Tabitha, Dana and Brendon who has still to enter, Tatum has only a peripheral function to the overall story, but I really enjoy his character.

I’m not entirely sure how I created him, but if memory serves, I think he spawned from a boy I’d met at a party second year at school. He was just so flamboyant and happy to be such that he stuck in my memory even though I had been ridiculously hammered at the time.

Tatum serves a very common stereotype, but I think he does so in such a way that helps shape Jessie Clarke’s character a little more and helps the reader see the town of Hanby more in line with Damen’s view of it. Though I’m very far into the novel at this point, it’s useful to reinforce the corrupt view that Jessie represents before I go into the darker material of what happens with Amber. All of this may very well get edited and I’ll look back on this, rolling my eyes, but for now…I write.

I wrote 309 words tonight (announced Dana Barrington’s arrival at the school) and now, for the song that made me cry tonight:


Potterly, Part 2 and in 3D Monday, July 25, 2011

Filed under: Writing — kaitco @ 11:59 pm
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I concluded my recent Harry binge this evening by watching Deathly Hallows, Part 2 and enjoyed just about every aspect of it. I know that my thoughts of the movie are clouded since I haven’t read the book since the day it was sold, but I enjoyed what I saw and I thought I understood.

I cried when Fred died, hard. In fact, I had to stifle a sob because there were ten other people in the theatre with me and I didn’t want to ruin it for them. I knew it was coming too, because I remember crying my eyes out in the book when this happened which made the scene even more difficult. The best parts of the 7th book, however, were captured in this second part and was an amazing ride; by far the best of all eight movies.

My Potter-joy crashed rather quickly, though, when I saw that someone had scratched and dented my car door. I was so angry, but even if I stand there and wait for the other people to come out of the theatre, I knew it would be fruitless and most likely several hoodrats (by the look of their car) against just me. Nevertheless, I’m annoyed; back to Potter though.

I chose to watch the film in 3D, but was a little disappointed by that aspect of it. I think if we’re going to make “3D” movies, we need to go full spectrum and add that fourth layer to them. When the dragon composed of fire lunges out to the crowd, I should feel it’s heat blow across my face. When the gang splashes into water, I should feel little water droplets all over me. If it can be done on that Spiderman ride I’ve ridden multiple times, back-to-back at Universal’s Islands of Adventure, it can be done in a normal movie too. Another problem I found was that it got difficult in the end to see that third “D” when my glasses were fogged up from the tears…poor Fred!

All this said, I’m glad that I did actually go see the movie and have that sense of closure I think I’d desired since I first opted not to watch the sixth movie. Now, it’s done and now I can focus on other things…hopefully.

I wrote just 263 words (borrow four different versions of Hamlet) for the night, breaking my streak of 300+ words, but not my spirit which pines to up my daily word count to 300 by July 31 (coincidentally Harry Potter’s birthday!!! 🙂 ). Perhaps tomorrow, I won’t be too tired to get to 300 “real” words because I’d spent the past two hours writing notes for a Harry fic (which, from here on out, will be given the project name “Nostrum”), but time will only tell.


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