I need to do more Sunday, July 31, 2011

Another month has come and gone and once again, I found myself simply giving up on what I needed to do. There was simply too much of it, I was simply too tired and I simply could not conceive of trying to do more…so I didn’t.

Each month after a massive fail like this one, I tell myself that I refuse to let last month go the way this month did and I vow that I’ll do better, but I don’t and I end up in the same cycle I was previously because I just managed to get away with doing the barest sense of the minimum. The urge to do the same was ever present this evening. All I really wanted to do is say, “Well, tomorrow begins another month,” I’m not gonna!

I’m making some changes in my life because I must do more with my life.

A while ago (probably about two years ago) I made this list of things I’d like to do on a daily basis that would make me the ideal representation of myself and was a step-by-step guide to my day which included everything from flossing to specific time set aside to play The Sims. I hung my guide in my bedroom and while I would scan it bemusedly from time to time, I never really edited it or adhered to it.

Tonight, I remade the list for an ideal Dorienne and I’m not sure whether it is because of the bounce I feel after failing as hard and as fast I did today or because it’s beginning of a new month and I’m feeling inspired, but this time around, I really do intend to stick to my list.

I’ve not made a promise like this to myself in while and probably not since my Livejournal days, but if I’ve learned anything about myself this year is that I really can create a goal and stick to it. I decided this year that I’d write a post every day, and have. I decided to write some of my novel every day, and have. I decided to write a minimum amount of words in said novel and, again, I have. I’ve set several goals this year and made good on them, so as I see it in this blog, this goal shouldn’t be any different.

I don’t expect that I’ll wake the 1st of August and become an entirely new person; I just want to do more with my life. I want to be on time for things and get jobs accomplished when expected of me. I want to be the reliable adult I’m expected to be at this stage of my life.

I wrote 354 words tonight (I don’t like being touched,” Damen said.) and I’ve decided to up my daily word count to a whopping 300 words going forward. Tomorrow I’m scheduled to write some more just after laundry and piano, but before playing any game (Rock Band included). Perhaps I’ll stick to the list verbatim and perhaps I won’t. I just want to do something more…

Relief Saturday, July 30, 2011

I’m starting to feel a bit better and I owe a lot of that to Aleve which is brought me out of a lot of pain since I was just a schoolgirl. 🙂

I haven’t much to say this morning, but I’m happy for once that I’ve slept without any dreams. Perhaps, it’s timing my meals in relation to when I decide it’s time for sleep, but I’m thanking God daily that they’ve stopped for now. Today may hold a whole new handful of troubles, however, so I won’t get up my hopes just yet.

I wrote 489 words this morning (She’s just gonna leave it like that?”) and I find myself with this sudden of rush of adrenaline when it comes to Damen. I thought after watching HP7 that I’d have to physically tear myself away from Nostrum, but all my thoughts have surrounded Damen lately. I think I may have been right the other day when I said I needed “closure” on my Harry Potter experience. Not that I won’t give Nostrum my full attention one day, but that it could slip so easily from the forefront of my mind…I guess I really am an adult now.

Self-sufficient Friday, July 29, 2011

I think one of the main reasons I hate going to the doctor is that I dislike the fact that there was something happening to me that I could not predict, could not understand and could not remedy on my own. As far as I’m concerned, the person who knows how best to handle anything going on with me is me, so each time I go to the doctor and wait to be told something about myself, I’m more than a little irritated.

I’m further irritated when they tell me something I already know, but what irritates me most of all when it comes to doctor’s visits is when I calm down and research whatever is wrong with me and understand my “condition” on my own. I can take needing to go to a doctor so that she can give me the prescription I need to treat whatever it is, but it’s leaving the office without some answers and then finding those answers on my own that leaves me feeling as if I’ve been cheated.

I knew today that I had an ear infection going into the doctor’s office, but I couldn’t understand why I’ve received another one in so many weeks. As I couldn’t get in to see my normal doctor, I saw the other at the site and was given what I consider a “this happens so often, I’m not going to bother trying to speculate” answer and was sent on my way with a prescription. In too much pain to ask further questions, I left the office only to spend some time researching swimmer’s ear and various infections on my own. I know now why this is happening and what I can do to prevent it going forward, but damn I’m irritated that I couldn’t have had my stuff together earlier to reduce some of the overall aggravation of my day.

I think some of this irritation with doctors is that I just can’t trust them. At one point, I was on my way towards medical school and was taking all the coursework required and making all the connections on the entrance board at OSU needed to ensure my success. I’ve long since deviated from that path, but the fact that someone like me could have become one of these doctors, diagnosing people, prescribing medications and even performing surgeries makes me a little nauseated. Not to say that medicine is something that anyone can do, but I know that if I could do it, then how many other equally half-way scattered minds like mine got their diplomas as well?

I suppose overall, I like being completely self-sufficient in all things and needing someone to do anything for me is an annoyance I really couldn’t take today.

Once the Aleve kicked in, I wrote 303 words (and the carnage would ensue) tonight and may even write a little more if the pain stays low for a bit longer.

I’ve been in quite a bit of pain recently, hence the reason for the specific tag, but because I’m “self-sufficient,” I’d rather suffer with the pain until I completely understand the answer I’ll receive prior to getting it from someone else than concede that there’s something that I don’t know about myself. These are demons with whom I’ll have to eventually make peace, but for now…I’m self-sufficient.

Another ache Thursday, July 28, 2011

Though I haven’t been to my doctor yet, I know I’ve got another ear infection. This is just so infuriating for me. It’s not like I’m a dirty person or something and I took all my antibiotics! And, why am I getting them now all of a sudden!?! Grr!

I haven’t much to say tonight…just sitting here listening to opera on Pandora and running through my weekly routine to understand why God has smote me this way. Ear infection notwithstanding, I wrote 401 words tonight (horizontal on them, Damen could not tell.) and…well, I really haven’t got much to say tonight.

Dorienne e l’opera Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Every so often, I hit a new musical stage in my life. Many times these overlap with one another and some come stronger than others, but by the time I recognize that I’m in love with a new musical genre, I’m already way too obsessed to extract myself from it and can only ride the wave of music. A year ago, it was J-pop; a few months ago, it was Green Day and anything I could play in Rock Band; currently, it’s opera.

The song I posted yesterday (Con te Partiro by Andrea Bocelli) has become my current favorite song and if I was in the mood to update Dorienne Smith.com, I’d list it as such. I’m not even entirely sure how I came across this song…It may have come up on Pandora as a cover and perhaps I searched out the original; I’m not entirely sure and it doesn’t really matter. The fact is, if I wasn’t completely enamoured with opera music prior to “discovering” this song, now, I’m totally there. I’ve even decided to incorporate some opera into Nostrum for now, though, this may change as I continue writing. I originally intended to spill Michael Jackson songs all through Damen, but have since scaled that back to just one song and then added a Green Day song when all I listened to for a month straight was their music.

I wrote 362 words tonight (shook his head, though he agreed with them) despite the day I’ve had. I think what I enjoy most about opera is that, aside from being able to write to it just like I would any chosen playlist of “writing music,” I don’t understand a word of Italian or French or German, but I still understand the emotion from the music. Now, I’ve just got to find my way to a live opera while this desire is still kicking…

Enter the queen Tuesday, July 26, 2011

So after many, many months of writing, I’ve finally introduced Tatum Price to Damen. Like Tabitha, Dana and Brendon who has still to enter, Tatum has only a peripheral function to the overall story, but I really enjoy his character.

I’m not entirely sure how I created him, but if memory serves, I think he spawned from a boy I’d met at a party second year at school. He was just so flamboyant and happy to be such that he stuck in my memory even though I had been ridiculously hammered at the time.

Tatum serves a very common stereotype, but I think he does so in such a way that helps shape Jessie Clarke’s character a little more and helps the reader see the town of Hanby more in line with Damen’s view of it. Though I’m very far into the novel at this point, it’s useful to reinforce the corrupt view that Jessie represents before I go into the darker material of what happens with Amber. All of this may very well get edited and I’ll look back on this, rolling my eyes, but for now…I write.

I wrote 309 words tonight (announced Dana Barrington’s arrival at the school) and now, for the song that made me cry tonight:

Potterly, Part 2 and in 3D Monday, July 25, 2011

I concluded my recent Harry binge this evening by watching Deathly Hallows, Part 2 and enjoyed just about every aspect of it. I know that my thoughts of the movie are clouded since I haven’t read the book since the day it was sold, but I enjoyed what I saw and I thought I understood.

I cried when Fred died, hard. In fact, I had to stifle a sob because there were ten other people in the theatre with me and I didn’t want to ruin it for them. I knew it was coming too, because I remember crying my eyes out in the book when this happened which made the scene even more difficult. The best parts of the 7th book, however, were captured in this second part and was an amazing ride; by far the best of all eight movies.

My Potter-joy crashed rather quickly, though, when I saw that someone had scratched and dented my car door. I was so angry, but even if I stand there and wait for the other people to come out of the theatre, I knew it would be fruitless and most likely several hoodrats (by the look of their car) against just me. Nevertheless, I’m annoyed; back to Potter though.

I chose to watch the film in 3D, but was a little disappointed by that aspect of it. I think if we’re going to make “3D” movies, we need to go full spectrum and add that fourth layer to them. When the dragon composed of fire lunges out to the crowd, I should feel it’s heat blow across my face. When the gang splashes into water, I should feel little water droplets all over me. If it can be done on that Spiderman ride I’ve ridden multiple times, back-to-back at Universal’s Islands of Adventure, it can be done in a normal movie too. Another problem I found was that it got difficult in the end to see that third “D” when my glasses were fogged up from the tears…poor Fred!

All this said, I’m glad that I did actually go see the movie and have that sense of closure I think I’d desired since I first opted not to watch the sixth movie. Now, it’s done and now I can focus on other things…hopefully.

I wrote just 263 words (borrow four different versions of Hamlet) for the night, breaking my streak of 300+ words, but not my spirit which pines to up my daily word count to 300 by July 31 (coincidentally Harry Potter’s birthday!!! 🙂 ). Perhaps tomorrow, I won’t be too tired to get to 300 “real” words because I’d spent the past two hours writing notes for a Harry fic (which, from here on out, will be given the project name “Nostrum”), but time will only tell.

Life’s decisions Sunday, July 24, 2011

I’m not sure if I’ve said it earlier, but I’ve decided to grow out my natural hair, meaning no more relaxers for a while. I haven’t been able to stand them for the past couple years and seeing as how my hair is nearly always in braids, I don’t see much point to them anymore.

I’m going to take down my hair tonight and for the first time in forever, I’m going to get my braids done again tomorrow, without a relaxer break this time. I’m a bit nervous about this because I vaguely fear my hair is just going to randomly start falling out big clumps if I don’t get a relaxer precisely six weeks after the previous, but I know it’s just nerves about change in general.

I watched the sixth Harry Potter movie today and, whether it was because I hadn’t read that book in over six or possibly seven years or whether it was because of better acting and storytelling overall, I liked Movie 6 far better than I liked Movies 4 and 5. This will most likely change come the time I decide to re-read Book 6, but for now, I can honestly say I like the adaptation of Book 6 more than I actually liked the book, which is really a first for me.

Again, I’ve not read the book in ages, though there were a few parts I remember being notably missing, and I was rather confused at some parts and a bit bored at others, but I haven’t been his entertained by a Potter film since some time in 2004.

I wrote 350 words tonight (a short ponytail, if he desired.), not to mention the other hundred or so I managed in the notes of this Potter fic, which I imagine will continue to stay at the forefront of my mind until some time later this week, when I’ve seen all 8 Potter films and fulfill that sense of completion that’s been bugging me since I opted not to see the sixth one in the theatres.

Also, I didn’t go to church again today and since I work next weekend, this means I’ll have gone the entire month of July without going at all. I certainly didn’t mean for this to happen, though I’ve spoken to some family and church family recently. I’m not as hurt by it this week as I was last week. I’m not sure if I’m making peace with not going or just relenting to the fact that I needed some time away from that particular church, but I must say, I’ve not talked to God this much since I first joined the church 5 years ago.

Potterly Saturday, July 23, 2011

As I write this post now, I am listening to “Buckbeak’s Flight” from the Prisoner of Azkaban score. I bought the score while the film was still in theatres; sometime after my second viewing, but before my fourth. Months later, I would watch the scene from the film that carried this very song because I just enjoyed it so much and wanted to keep the visual crisp in my mind when I heard the song.

My playlist has now changed to “A Window to the Past,” a song on the same score that I only recently discovered and associate, not with film or HP in general, but with John Williams’ music and its influence on my writing. I think this is how I view the entire Potterverse at this point in my life.

Aside from the obvious reference to a “window to my past,” I see HP as something I did as a kid, full of memories, I’d rather not dampen just because everyone in the world seems to be talking about it. That said, yesterday I finally made up my mind about going to see this last film in the theatres.

I wasn’t going to go, but then someone at first-job mentioned that this is my last time to see an HP film in theatres, in 3D and all that jazz. While I’m not exceptionally wow’d by the concept of a 3D film, as I prefer to be awed by immaculate storytelling and I’m certain that at some point in the next few years, these films will be rehashed and re-released Star Wars style, I accept that my co-worker did have a point.

I rented the fourth through seventh (part 1) films and plan to make this a Potter-filled weekend before going off to see it on Monday. I’m not excited by this though. It’s very reminiscent to the midnight party for Book 7. I hadn’t picked up an HP book since I finished Book 6 and found the magic to be almost literally broken, but I went to buy the book out of an obligation of completion.

I never saw the sixth and seventh films because I disliked the fourth and fifth movies and since I knew I hated the sixth book, I saw no point, but here I am again with this sense of obliging to completion.

I thoroughly believe the films lost their way around the fourth one, where the producers and screenwriters decided that it was no longer important to tell an actual story with the adaptation; only throw some images on the screen and hope that people who read the books has some iota which actor corresponds to which character. This believe returned in full sway after re-watching the fourth one last night. I remember generally liking the fourth one the first time around when I saw it at midnight, but knew I was going to be disappointed to see an adaptation of one of my absolute favorite books. Years later, however, that disdain has grown deeper as I had only the vague memory of the books to guide me, but was irritated that if I hadn’t had that, I would have been really, really lost in the movie.

Why did the fake Moody keep the real Moody in that box? Why not just kill the kid while he no one was around him (though I suppose this is a simply question for the novel itself)? Why was it important that Voldemort could touch Harry? Why the hell was screaming so much when Voldemort touched him? What was going on with the wands at the end? Why did Harry see his parents’ ghosts? Why were Voldemort and Wormtail holding up in that particular house? What was the deal with the skull and the snake sign? What was going on in the scene with the pensieve?

Oi…and now I’ve got three more films to watch of this.

Of course, I know all the answers to these questions because I’ve read the book a minimum of seven times, probably closer to eight, but in trying to views these just like any casual viewer, I’m left with irritation that filmmakers could be so greedy as to cut out all the substance of a book just to splash it on the big screen. Peter Jackson may have left out and changed some aspects of LOTR (hello, Tom Bombadil?), but overarching story was still intact.

I’m not really sure why I’m ranting about Potter tonight. I think it’s just been a long week and I want to rant about something and since I generally disliked that movie last night (no Dobby, no house elves, no SPEW, Krum was too cute, Diggory wasn’t cute enough, Fleur wasn’t a veela, no Bagman and that !@#$%^&* scene with face in the fire!), this will have to do.

I wrote 518 words today (a pair of scissors, two combs and a brush), not counting the ones I added to the Potter-fic ( 😉 ) and I think I’m going to use this weekend to be as annoyed as I want to be, while trying to write a little more as well.

I hate my dreams Friday, July 22, 2011

I hate dreaming. I often go months at a time without having any of them, but then I get into a cycle where I have them non-stop and each one frustrates me more than one previous to it.

I never have dreams about world peace or magic alien circuses or something; it’s always something inane, but leaves me in either a complete panic or just feeling awful the whole day. A few days ago it was about sending a mass e-mail to my co-workers that was slightly risque and meant for an ex. I awoke in a complete panic that I was going to lose first-job because I’d done something so stupid. Eventually, I was able to rationalize that I’d just had a dream, but those first five minutes of fear just aggravate me.

Last night, it was about some unscrupulous actions involving a lot of my co-workers on a train. A train?!? I don’t understand why I can’t seem to just plain sleep anymore.

While writing Flight, I used to dream all the time, but those dreams were usually productive. Everything revolved around what I had written that day or what I wanted to write, but couldn’t quite articulate yet. Every once in a while, I’d give myself nightmares about what I’d written, like when Olivia’s character started saying some very ugly things and I dreamed of her being really ugly or when I had a nightmare about my unnamed antagonist in the novel. But again, all these dreams were productive and in many ways useful. These current dreams are just making me mad.

I wrote 383 words today (texting Brit, he heard Angel come home) and I’m hoping that I can just put myself straight to sleep tonight without the slightest inkling of a dream.

Not 21 anymore Thursday, July 21, 2011

Between the ages of 19 and 21 and I developed a somewhat healthy obsession with Dance Dance Revolution. My friends and I would play the various games all the time and I eventually introduced my family to it and showed them how it was “meant” to be played. At one point, I could do most of the songs on DDR Max on the hardest setting and still finish without failing and the majority of my daily exercise surrounded playing DDR in Workout mode to burn through 1000+ calories in the game.

Tonight, after close to 6 months without doing any real physical activity, I decided it was time to work out a little and, since this desire has only come a few weeks after I finally cancelled my gym membership, I decided to play through 500 calories worth of DDR songs. I learned something fascinating after the first song, however…I am not 21 anymore.

I stopped being simply out of shape years ago and have metamorphosed into something entirely new. I got through my workout, but wow! Six months of inactivity can make you just plain delirious after a while.

I wrote 418 words tonight (close proximity to my neck with scissors) and I’m starting to delve into some more really interesting character development. Brit cutting Damen’s hair is one of those scenes that came to me early in the notes of the novel and has developed almost entirely unchanged over the past couple years; I’m excited to finally “write” it.

As I approach the end of July, I’m starting to get the urge to set some fantastic goals, but I wonder if I’m stretching a little too far. After my recent piano failure, I’m loathe to pick up a new hobby, but this goal-setting itch just must be scratched. I’m leaning between upping my word count to a 300-word minimum a day and something crazy like working out every day, but I recognize the good thing I’ve got going for me. My 250-word minimum has not failed me these past months, even on days when I was ready to thrown in the proverbial towel or give up on Damen entirely and since I’ve worked out tonight for the first time since at least February if not longer, I’m not sure I’m ready to throw myself back into an exercise regimen that I’m just going to quit in a few weeks.

I suppose I’ve got the rest of the month to decided; these are just some ideas floating around in the end since I’m still a bit dizzy from that workout.

19 chapters down Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I wrote 521 words today to stare at the ceiling all night. Tomorrow, I continue in much of the same format I used to write/edit chapters 3-12, where I carefully review the notes and any previously written prose and craft the draft from there, instead of re-writing everything I’ve previously written and then having to essentially work from scratch.

I had to completely re-write my previous work for chapters 13-19. Originally, it was 13 and 14 and then I saw 15 wouldn’t work as it was, so it had to be re-done. Then 16 got split into two chapters and then combined and then split into two chapters again. Chapter 17 seemed to drag on and on and on forever before I realized I had got to 18 and Chapter 19 was so strong and verbose that I hardly blinked before I finished it. So here I am.

The novel was supposed to end at Chapter 24, but as I am now reviewing what was once Chapter 18 and am now calling Chapter 20, I know I’m looking at a minimum of 30 chapters before all is said and done, no pun intended.

The closer I get to 30 chapters, the more likely I know this novel will exceed 300K words, which means a ridiculously lengthy editing process to get it down a respectable and publishable 120K. I’m almost there though. This time last year, I was endlessly procrastinating and would go weeks on end without even looking at Damen. Today, however, I’m focused and I write in Damen every day if not also a little of Jill now that a sort of plot is slowly starting to take place there.

I’m almost done…I can make it…I’m almost done…

831 Tuesday, July 19, 2011

If I’ve learned anything while writing this novel it is that once the creative juices start flowing, it is very difficult to tourniquet the flow.

Sometimes this is a blessing (well, actually every word of creativity is a blessing) and is very welcome after a few days of barely scraping up 250 words. Other times, this lack of an off switch can keep me writing well past the time I should be doing other things, most often sleep. I can’t count the number of times I’ve written well into my zone, only to look up and see dawn peeking through my blinds, when I know I’ve not gone to sleep for the night. This realization is usually followed with an explicative and a rush to finish my thought so I can force myself to sleep. This plan, however, usually backfires as the rush to finish just fuels the fire and I end up writing for another hour longer.

I mention this, not because I spent the night writing this time, but as a reminder to myself that if I’m going to write in the morning prior to going to first job, I have to create clear starting and stopping points before I set my fingers to the keyboard.

I wrote 831 words today (the wall and cracked its glass) and will likely write some more this evening as I’ve not got the creative flow of Damen and Jill out of my system yet, but tomorrow, at least, I know it’s imperative to have a gameplan in place before I begin to write.

An extra-ordinary day Monday, July 18, 2011

Nothing significant happened today.

I think I finally made a decision on what program I’m going to use to view “TV” on my TV laptop, I learned to make some microwave nachos and I took a couple of lengthy naps. I also wrote 599 words today (Anessa, I’m warning you), so all-in-all, it was an ordinary, but great day.

An adult’s lament Sunday, July 17, 2011

I didn’t go to church again this week. I told a friend of mine from church the other day that I would be attending, but I still didn’t. Today, I spent a lot of the morning talking to God (in the normal way, not in the hearing a booming voice from the heavens way) and trying to understand this lack of desire I have for church.

I can blame this on a lot of things: There’s just too much drama “over there.” Every time I turn around, something else horrible has happened to the faithful and it makes me wish the good ole days when I didn’t know so many people and had far less opportunity for heartbreak. It’s far away from me, but I with the new car, driving is now a joy instead of an annoyance. Which usually leaves the ever more common “I just don’t want to go” excuse.

Today, however, I suppose I can attribute this to coming to the realization that I’m finally an adult. I looked at my life yesterday and realized that I have finally drifted out of that grey period just after college. I am an adult and have adult problems lying ahead of me. I have bills and money woes like all healthy Americans. I have a quest to find a better place to live. I have a job that no longer pays me by the hour and I desire to see some sort of career path come from it, even while I strive to complete my novel. I have adult relationships with other people that involve real friendships and the less auspicious results from them. Somewhere in this 26th year of life, I became an adult. It’s a little frightening when I think I about it since I really didn’t see it coming, but what’s worse is that with this new found adulthood, I’ve lost the will to attend church.

Church was never forced upon me. As a very small child, I attended because it was something I was told to do and had no choice in doing because I was seven. Then there was a period of about ten years where my mother and I didn’t attend church at all and I only “found” God more recently at age 21. Even then, church was a joy and I was never forced to attend. Lately it seems that same desire that pulled me out of the aisle that Mother’s day five years ago has been extinguished and I can’t get enough stuff going to rekindle it.

The last time I went, I told myself that I was going to attend every other day this month when I wasn’t working and the Sunday I worked, all I wanted to do was to be at church, but here I am, two weeks later, out of excuses and still not attending.

I wrote 446 words tonight (the two of spades and Trey took the pile) and I thank God for every one of them, but I still don’t know how to fix this. I think that’s what frightens me most of all; here I am, an adult, and I still haven’t got the world figured out yet…