I am kaitco

a writer's log

Self-sufficient Friday, July 29, 2011

Filed under: Dorienne,Writing — kaitco @ 10:33 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

I think one of the main reasons I hate going to the doctor is that I dislike the fact that there was something happening to me that I could not predict, could not understand and could not remedy on my own. As far as I’m concerned, the person who knows how best to handle anything going on with me is me, so each time I go to the doctor and wait to be told something about myself, I’m more than a little irritated.

I’m further irritated when they tell me something I already know, but what irritates me most of all when it comes to doctor’s visits is when I calm down and research whatever is wrong with me and understand my “condition” on my own. I can take needing to go to a doctor so that she can give me the prescription I need to treat whatever it is, but it’s leaving the office without some answers and then finding those answers on my own that leaves me feeling as if I’ve been cheated.

I knew today that I had an ear infection going into the doctor’s office, but I couldn’t understand why I’ve received another one in so many weeks. As I couldn’t get in to see my normal doctor, I saw the other at the site and was given what I consider a “this happens so often, I’m not going to bother trying to speculate” answer and was sent on my way with a prescription. In too much pain to ask further questions, I left the office only to spend some time researching swimmer’s ear and various infections on my own. I know now why this is happening and what I can do to prevent it going forward, but damn I’m irritated that I couldn’t have had my stuff together earlier to reduce some of the overall aggravation of my day.

I think some of this irritation with doctors is that I just can’t trust them. At one point, I was on my way towards medical school and was taking all the coursework required and making all the connections on the entrance board at OSU needed to ensure my success. I’ve long since deviated from that path, but the fact that someone like me could have become one of these doctors, diagnosing people, prescribing medications and even performing surgeries makes me a little nauseated. Not to say that medicine is something that anyone can do, but I know that if I could do it, then how many other equally half-way scattered minds like mine got their diplomas as well?

I suppose overall, I like being completely self-sufficient in all things and needing someone to do anything for me is an annoyance I really couldn’t take today.

Once the Aleve kicked in, I wrote 303 words (and the carnage would ensue) tonight and may even write a little more if the pain stays low for a bit longer.

I’ve been in quite a bit of pain recently, hence the reason for the specific tag, but because I’m “self-sufficient,” I’d rather suffer with the pain until I completely understand the answer I’ll receive prior to getting it from someone else than concede that there’s something that I don’t know about myself. These are demons with whom I’ll have to eventually make peace, but for now…I’m self-sufficient.


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