Time flies Monday, January 31, 2011

I noticed this evening how true time flies. In something as slow as a child growing up to something as simple as how I told myself I had “plenty of time” to finish another chapter on Lego Star Wars and still have time to write this evening. That said, time is passing me by at an ever increasing rate and I didn’t write anything today.

I think the worst part about not getting anything written today was that it was my day off from the first-job, but I didn’t feel well all day today and I’ll use that as an excuse for now.

Sometimes I really can’t believe how much time flies. Today is the 31st day of the first month in the second decade of the “new millennium.” It feels like just yesterday that people were freaking out about Y2K and hording food for the end of days. Luckily, there is always an end of days timeframe lurking just around the corner, so December 2012 will be an interesting time to be alive, assuming I don’t get hit by a bus or something by then.

Looking over this month, I still can’t believe I actually made it 31 days writing this blog without a break. I’ve had urges and goals like this previously, but they’ve always failed, no matter how badly I wanted them.

The key, I believe, is in having a real plan in place. My plan for January 2011 was no plan. That is, my only plan was just to do it. If I did it, I did it. If I didn’t, I didn’t. With no real pressure with a major plan in place, there was no sense of incoming failure lurking at all times and thus, I was able to naturally progress into a method of doing something daily that wasn’t a bodily function. Now, I think it’s time to up my proverbial ante.

I’ve got the method and the mindset in place; I’ve just got to make good use of them. For the next 28 days, I am going to write something in Damen. Every. Single. Day.

To keep with the guise of the “I really don’t care either way attitude” I’ll give myself an out, which will be I won’t have a word count limit at this point. Does this mean that I’ll probably see an increase in posts where I’ve written 500 words or less? Most definitely! But, I suppose I’ve got to start some place and this is as good as any.

With that said and my goal set, I think it’s time to waste the rest of this evening in the best way possible, so to Lego Star Wars, I return!

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A busy day Sunday, January 30, 2011

My mind is kind of blank right now. I’ve just now come home from an 8-hour stint at the first-job, bringing me up to 59 hours for the week. There is something so awful about the sound of working a 60-hour week that I hate to think about it, but I know that if I don’t get some better organization going, I’ll be peaking at 70 and 80-hour weeks shortly.

A part of this fatigue comes from not getting enough sleep last night (blaming Netflix on that one) and then literally getting “all cried out” over the sight of my pastor drooping over the podium as he fell ill into his seat. What’s really interesting about the whole incident is my behaviour when I start to panic. I probably look calm and to outsiders, I may even seem calm; perhaps just tired or sad. But, eventually I managed to run away from the scene. The first time I noticed I did this was at Edrith‘s homegoing. I wasn’t ready for the funeral directors to bring her in yet and I actually ran away from helping my cousin with the remaining arrangments. I panicked today too and, while everything seems to have worked out for the best (more or less), I really did manage to book it out of church today rather calmly.

I got through 388 words today (, in his mind, was like what Corey did), which is nothing especially special, but…

Considering the day I’ve had, I’m glad I even have the strength to write anything all. Onto tomorrow…

634 Saturday, January 29, 2011

I couldn’t think of a decent post title, so I’ve decided to use my word count for the day (Damen sighed again and tried to return to his play).

I’ll have to make this quick since I decided that I wanted to be over 500 words today when I was at 488, but then found I didn’t want to stop writing.

I’ve had a fun idea that’s got procrastination written all over it: Creating playlists that tell the story of my projects. So, Pete Yorn’s “Ever Fall in Love” would be a perfect fit for Damen as well as “The Weakness in Me” by Joan Armatrading. But, to keep this from becoming the project that overtakes my real project, I think I’ll leave the playlist creation as part of my many rewards for completing the novel.

That said, I’ve got off to a good start with Chapter 10. Yay! 🙂

Nothing important Friday, January 28, 2011

Today’s prose caught me in a bit of a struggle. I was overcome with this urge to completely re-write what I had previously written, but after continuous lines that were quickly deleted, I ended up simply cleaning up what I already had. Close to fifteen minutes were spent trying to decide whether I keep Damen thinking about The Brothers Karamazov or just “something” (that was strange, I typed something as John Lennon sang the word something in the song “Something” playing just now) by Dostoyevsky, but then, I wanted to actually use a specific title, though I was certain I didn’t want The Brothers Karamazov. I looked up Crime and Punishment since I haven’t read it yet and then looked at other Dostoyevsky works before finally sighing and going back The Brothers Karamazov.

I had recently edited the end of Chapter 9 (which I did finish tonight) since I was straying into literature that was a little too obscure for my intended audience. Not saying that anything by Dostoyevsky could be on the suggested reading lists of anyone who would read my book, but I still think that I should keep to the same realm.

I’ve got nothing else to say about today, which is interesting since I feel oddly blank tonight. I wasn’t in the mood for anymore TV, so I decided to come upstairs and write. Anyway, I completed the chapter and wrote 1083 words (that Angel’s crying could be heard even down the hall) and made it through another day.

Nothing important, but still somehow valuable.

Contraction Thursday, January 27, 2011

Unless I’m in the midst of a ton of dialogue, I rarely break into a contraction while writing prose. Not at this stage in the game, at least. Perhaps in the “heavy notes,” but even then I’ve weeded out most of them.

I’m not sure if it was the cold, the hunger or the urge to finish this chapter, which I’ll probably do later tonight, but a contraction in prose just came out of me. She didn’t finish the sentence. What’s wrong with me??

Anyway, I’m proud that I got to this early for once and even prouder that 27 days have passed and I’ve got 27 posts to show for it. Again, I’ll say it: This blog keeps me honest.

I can’t remember a time in Dorienne history when I’ve ever torn myself away from anything as warm and comfy as “Arrested Development” on the sofa with Reese’s puffs to munch on within an arm’s reach to go all the way upstairs to not just make a post, but make a post and write and, yet, for the past few days, I’ve managed it.

I’ve faced deadlines of epic proportion and risked my status at school to continue with current methods of procrastination, but this blog keeps me honest.

Tonight, I came home from work late and made the conscious decision to write and post before I settled onto “Fullmetal Alchemist” via Netflix and this bean-salsa creation. That’s got to count for something.

I wrote 346 words tonight (source of the flavor that filled the air) and while it’s nothing special, it keeps me happy. I don’t think I’ll finish this chapter tonight, but I’ll probably finish it tomorrow or possibly Saturday (hopefully tomorrow) and that’s good enough for me. In the past two months, I’ve gained more ground in Damen than I have at any point in the past three years. I’m driven, I’m determined and I’ve finally found a catalyst for continued writing: Purely egotistical, self-indulgent posts! 🙂

New music, new life Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I feel like I’ve cheated a little today because most of my nightly word count came mostly from editing. That being said, I’m still proud of the 423 words (about her every five minutes.”) I managed to write slash edit.

I’m starting to get rejuvenated and I truly “blame” some new music I’ve “discovered.” The problem with me and music discovery is that I don’t listen to the radio, I don’t watch television (therefore, no music videos), and I rarely trust the music suggestions of my own friends and family. So, I end up stuck in 2005 with music rarely reaching beyond that year.

I have recently “discovered” Janelle Monae’s Metropolis albums and I’ve not been in love with music like this in a very long time. She’s so different and reminds me of Andre 3000, but less vulgar and with more experimentation. I found her while testing some of the music suggestions of QC’s Jeph Jacques and couldn’t be happier with what I’m hearing – I’m listening to her “Many Moons” at this very moment.”

I had been watch Jeph Ustream a comic and he had some music I really enjoyed in the background, so I decided to finally peruse his list of best albums of 2010. Previously never hearing of any of these bands, I passed off the list as a list of “crazy” Indie music, but after hearing what I heard on the Ustream, I took a chance. I added four of the albums to my “Stuff I Want” list and some extra clicking on Amazon later, I found Janelle Monae.

I probably won’t write too much more tonight, but I feel energized from something that only comes from pure music discovery. Now, onto “Cybertronic Purgatory.”

Right vs. Easy Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Today, I was presented with one of those answers god likes to give to my questions when I’ve long forgotten I’d even asked them.

What I thought seemed right and what I thought seemed easy were vastly wrong. What is easy is impatience, willfulness and plain fear of hard work. What is right, and thusly hard, is patience, taking on new challenges and experiencing great while within one’s comfort zone.

I thought leaving my current first-job for a new one was the right/hard choice, but in reality I was just running away from my responsibilities and possible hardship that was headed my way. It is hard to handle a million projects and manage a team of people. Very hard. It’s also hard to sit patiently and wait just as it is difficult to watch people leave you behind as you trudge towards a goal. However, it’s fascinatingly easy to stir up the pot and run away led on pure emotion. No matter what happens later this week, or month or year, I understand the lesson: When something feels disgustingly wrong, it is!

It felt wrong to let days go by without writing…because it was and just as it felt wrong to up and leave my first-job for a new, it was also rash and wrong to lie in absolute sloth for the past few days.

Today, between this morning and this evening, I’ve written 822 words (they’ve been bred to be better athletes.”) which is the best I’ve managed in some time.

I’ve got so much more to do and it’s hard, as is life. But, what’s the alternative? To sit and jump from goal to goal asking why nothing goes my way?

Never.

Sloth Monday, January 24, 2011

I suppose I have got some things done today:

• Went to the dentist
• Called in first-job conference call
• Downloaded a Wii game
• “Made” dinner for tomorrow night
• Straightened my hair a little more
• Wrote 132 words (as he slid into the Math Help room near the cafeteria)

I have managed to do a little, but I’m still so slothful.

What do I do when I just don’t want to…?

Bored. Sunday, January 23, 2011

I’m bored. I can’t deny this and what’s shameful is that anyone who could call herself a writer should never be bored.

I’ve got so much to write, to draw, to play, but I don’t want to do any of it. It’s moments like these when I just want a change in my life, but because I’m not in a position to take a big risk and make any grand changes, I’m just stuck. Needless to say, I didn’t get any writing done today.

I could blame the fact that I didn’t get to sleep this morning until about 8:30 in the morning, thus missing church by at least an hour and not really rising from the bed until about 4pm. I have so much to do for both first-job and second, but all I can really drive myself to do is trying to play Final Fantasy VIII on my PlayStation since I’m too cold to go downstairs and play something decent on Xbox, Wii or PS2. I was playing the sims up until 20 minutes ago, but even that has failed to hold my attention.

Every time I think about Damen, I cringe a little knowing that there is so much work to be done, but I just can’t get motivated. I need something to thrill me or just shake me out of these doldrums, but there’s so little in my life right to offer any extreme change, all I want to do is sleep, though I’m not tired…since I’ve only been awake since 4pm. I’m already tired of FF8 and I’ve not even started to really play it yet.

I don’t remember being this tired and slothful when I was younger. I want to do something, anything, but I just feel so…blargh….ata;thaei;pghaa4ir…

Hair! Saturday, January 22, 2011

…not the musical.

I really did intend to write today, but I’ve decided to take my hair out of these braids and, since that is a five-hour process, any writing really isn’t happening tonight.

What’s frustrating is that I had ample opportunity to write this afternoon, but had forgot to load the novel to my phone and thus was without any work.

I tried to just delve into a later chapter, but quit when I realized the futility of writing something I wad just going to edit out of existence when I finally caught up to that part of the novel.

While I’m not proud of going this long without writing, I am proud that I’ve gone now 22 days straight without missing a post. I haven’t managed a feat like this since…well, never.

Also, while I didn’t get to write much today, I did spend some time with folks who are somewhere between the buddy/friend line. I also learned about the use of dashes from a new Twitter follower, so it’s a great day overall.

Anyhoo, I’ve still got three fourths of my hair to unbraid and somehow straighten into something presentable.

It’s very strange, though: most of this week, I’ve had the time to write, but was just not in the mood, yet now I’d long for just a few more hours in this day so that another 48 hours won’t pass without a word added to the novel. There’s a moral here…I just know it.

Hi ho! Netflix! Friday, January 21, 2011

My eyes are tired, but somehow I managed to watch Netflix. I heart it so much already and, now that I’m reasonably warm and comfortable on my sofa watching some strange Japanese film from long ago.

I doubt I’ll get much written today. I may edit later this evening; I remember writing something last night, though the days are running together for me lately. I’d say I need a break, but I’ve already had numerous breaks this month and the month is almost done.

I hope that February will be more fruitful. Also, there’s nothing that stops me from writing in the morning; though if I can just make it to first-job on time tonight, I’ll feel all right.

For now, onto more foreign film and “Arrested Development!”

So…cold… Thursday, January 20, 2011

It snowed some three or four inches today. I spent close to thirty minutes just digging my car out of its parking spot and then another hour to make the normal 20-minute drive home. I also haven’t turned on the heat in the apartment all winter, choosing to use space heaters instead, so I’m pretty darn cold this evening.

All the snow and drama of the first-job, notwithstanding, I still decided to take a break from “Arrested Development” and my new Game Informer to write just a little. The idea of going more than a day or so without writing is unsettling and, now that I’ve done this for a few weeks, it simply feels natural to update something before midnight.

I wrote 459 words tonight (pulled out her phone and immediately began texting.) which is nothing remarkable, but still worth mentioning. I doubt I’ll write too much more tonight, but it’s really just a matter of trying to stay warm for the rest of the night at this point.

Lord, Lord…my day Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Phew! The day I’ve had…

My “assistant” is leaving which means I’ll have to find someone else to help with all my dozens of projects and I’ll have to re-train someone else on how I do things. I’ve already got someone in mind, but I doubt I’ll get a say in it this time like I did with him.

I’ve thought a ton about my first-job and my future, not to mention putting in the long hours today which what I’ll blame tonight on why I’ve got nothing written.

A while ago, I found myself presented with a choice between what was right, that is a new challenge with new faces in a new environment, and what was easy, that is the same old thing, just with a new title; I chose what was easy. Now, it’s easy for me to look back and think that my own frustrations about first-job come from making that decision, but I’ve found more opportunities in this last year than I’ve ever had. That said, when I look at my long term goals, I can’t help but see that one of the main reasons the novel isn’t done is because of the intrusions of first-job.

Second-job, writing, is what I want to do, but there’s a real possibility that the second-job will never become my first and only job. Damen could easily be a disaster that no one will ever publish, Jill could be even worse, Luka may never get off the ground, Evan will never see its second-coming and I’ll never be published.

It’s hard to dwell on all that though. I think I’ve had so many signs telling me that this (second-job) is what I’m meant to do, that it’s difficult to remember a time when I wanted to do otherwise. The reason I have the first-job that I do is because I sat in my car one day and asked myself, “Dorienne…what do you really want to do?” The answer was write and the solution was to just support myself with first-job until first and second jobs became one.

Years later, I’ve come to reason my ambitions can hardly be masked. Everything I do, I do it fully and I can’t help but strive to be the absolute best in what I do. This is why I hit walls where it takes a day to write a paragraph, but also why I’ve been able to make my leaps in the first-job. So, now I’m faced with making a decision I really don’t want to make: Giving up the second-job and focus solely on the first, or continue as I’ve always been. Again…a decision between what is right and what is easy.

It’s easy to move on the same path I’ve always walked and a strong part of me, no matter what everyone else tells me, believes that first-job and second-job are doomed to exist together. Neither dream will thrive while the other lives.

Melodrama aside, I’m just not sure I’m ready to give up either dream at this point in my life. I’m 26, though I say I am and feel 27, and hopefully, have a lot of life left to live. I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder what life would have been like had I stayed the course and continued with the decision I’d made when I asked my 22-year-old self what I wanted to do. At 22, I also said that I’d rather have a dead-end job while reaching for my dream than have a upper-middle management job having never sought the dream. The more I think of it, however, I also don’t think I’d like the idea of my previous mantra, “If I can’t have what I want, I want nothing.”

Decisions, decisions…

I can only pray about it. Even after a quick prayer today to calm my spirit in the midst of such rapid turmoil, He answered me and calmed me with better news. So, all I can do is pray that He’ll let me know when I’m on the right track.

What to do… Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I’ve got nothing significant to write about today. Today was just another day; nothing special or fascinating, not that I’d share online, that is.

I wrote 632 words last night (dark eyes were shining and his skin had turned red) and I suppose I could have wrote more, but I spent all night just drafting more notes to flesh out the characters more. I also realized that I’ve got some people to rename. I might keep Amber as Amber, but Dane must be renamed. It’ll be hard enough to hope that people can keep all the A-named folks straight. Having a Dane next to my Damen is a little much.

I think I’ll write some more tonight and hopefully more in the morning before I go off to the first job, but for now, I think I’d just like to sit comfortably (as shown in my Project 365 for tonight) and continuing watching “Bleak House.” I just love British TV and film so much as it is and that fact that Ms. Anderson is playing one heck of a Lady Dedlock just makes me smile and almost ready to willingly delve into some Dickens for reasons outside of getting inside Damen’s head.

…almost.

Defining nothing Monday, January 17, 2011

I’d like to say that I got absolutely nothing accomplished today, but that’s just plain incorrect.

I wrote somewhere between 300 and 1,000 words, but since I can’t remember where I ended when I last counted, I’m not entirely sure if that was before midnight, after midnight, or right as midnight was passing. Since I can’t pin it down, I get to claim nothing, though from here on out I’ll be including the last few words I wrote when I last counted (then managed to score on the freshman goalie.)

Aside from the writing that may or may not have occurred in the last 24 hours, I spent most of the day lying in bed, then discovering music and video games I’d like to buy. The music was the fun part (Janelle Monae!!), but the video games made me realize how much more earnestly I need to create and stick to a budget. All in all, I haven’t done “nothing,” but I just can’t call what I’ve done today “something.”

I suppose it feels that way when I spend more than half the day asleep and then most of the other half playing Lego Star Wars and Final Fantasy X, but outside of not taking down my hair, I don’t think I’ve missed all that much.

Anyhoo…whenever it was, last night or to-night, I tried facing the wall I’ve recently hit head on and ended up with the equivalent of a big bruise on my forehead. It’s just a mess, a muddled, convoluted mess!

Even after I manage to make sure that Damen doesn’t seem in love with Britiana, I’ve practically shot myself in the foot with the scene where Zach calls her the NP and Corey makes references to “those people.” Perhaps I’m putting too much of myself into Damen, but I really can’t see him continuing to befriend Corey if Corey comes out with the whole “bred like dogs” to be better athletes thing this early. So, I started into this whole drivel about Corey and Brit liking each other when they were kids, but the whole thing came out so laughable that had no choice but to make Damen crack up at the description, when I really need the scene to remain a bit dark. That’s when I quit for the night.

I doubt I’ll get anymore written tonight, tomorrow or whatever. Nothing significant, that is. I’ve got to sit down and just contemplate what’s going on and why these characters are behaving the way they are. I know it’s right in front of me. I just haven’t looked hard enough yet or, to quote “The X-Files” (because I saw Ms. Anderson in a bit of “Bleak House” this afternoon and I’m totally in the mood for an X-Fileathon): The answers are there, [I] just have to know where to look.