I am kaitco

a writer's log

Drumming Monday, October 31, 2011

Filed under: Gaming — kaitco @ 12:01 am

It’s frightening to think how “good” I am getting at Rock Band. With just three songs remaining of the “Expert” tour in RB1, I’m now able to play most songs on Expert and sometimes sing and play on Expert as well. Just a few months ago, I thought I’d never get past the Hard tour, let alone be able to start playing songs often on Expert.

All this notwithstanding, I feel a very powerful stress reliever starting to lose some of its hold. While I’ve still got RB2, RB3 and Guitar Hero 2 and World Tour to complete, the “art” of playing the guitar and singing is starting to lose its edge the better I become at the game, so I’ve decided to increase the challenges to myself by moving my focus onto the other instruments in the game.

I’ve played through the Easy and Medium tours in RB1, but I think it’s time to start really start to play the drums. It’s so easy to just literally throw the drumsticks in the air and say “I can’t do it! I’ve got no rhythm!” but in my zeal to retain the perfect stress reliever in my life, I must give it a try.

I’m not sure why or even how I’ve come to really depend on this game so much, but few things can help me clear my mind and remove all the stress and ills of the first-job and the rest of the world.


The third Sunday, October 30, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kaitco @ 11:57 pm

I’m not a gamer by any definition of the term. I play some third-person action games at times, but really outside of Star Wars-related games, I lose interest incredibly fast. Last week, I’d started the demo of Mass Effect 2 and I adored it because I got to create Dorienne Sheppard and play “myself” in the game. I then bought the full game, Assassin’s Creed 2 and Bully. I sat down to play AC2, but within the first few minutes of the game, it was evident that I really should have played the first one and told myself that I would go buy the first one and proceed from there, but I still haven’t. The games are still sitting there waiting to be played because I just can’t bring myself to sit and play them when I could be playing Rock Band or, better, writing.

That said, I have this hoarders need to acquire and at least look at different games, so this Friday, after much research and pining and hand-wringing I finally got The Sims 3.

The Sims is the only game to really hold my attention for longer than a month or so and The Sims 2 is a game I’ve been playing since December 2004. I have been playing some of my sim families and characters longer than I’ve known some of my friends, which is an amazing thought. The Sims 3 came out two years ago and while I was interested in seeing what it was about, the thought of abandoning characters and stories I’d tweaked and developed over this last decade made the game utterly unappealing in every way. Nonetheless, when a lot of the Sims 2 community moved over to the other game, the custom content became more sporadic and I yearned to learn more about the “other” game.

Finally, I got The Sims 3 and tried to play it for a bit and, as I knew I would be, I was not impressed. First of all, the gameplay by itself is flawed. Instead of being able to play one family and then play another family in the neighborhood allowing, for example, Sim A to grow up and then fall in love with Sim B over some time, the game plays the Sim B household automatically for you. I like to control both the Sim A and B homes to ensure that said sims will be made for each other in every way, but in TS3, you control only Sim A’s household. Sim B goes about their business, unaware of your master plan for the neighborhood and by the time Sim A is ready to move out the house and get married, etc. Sim B could be already married or have 2 or 3 kids by different people. There is a fix for this through a hack called AwesomeMod which allows the overall aging and gameplay to be like TS2, but the fact that a mod is necessary to play the game the way I’d like to play it, makes the game fundamentally flawed.

I love game hacks; for The Sims 2, I have a hundred of them and most of them are to aid in making the overall story-playing aspect of the game wider and move smoother. For example, using the Inteenimator, I have some of the Maury-show type houses where there are fifteen kids of all different ages who have a hard time deciphering who is mother, grandmother or sister since the eldest females in the house have a baby every few days. It makes for some fascinating storytelling. The hack also makes the game allow Sims to have families while they are at the separate University lots and makes the entire expansion suddenly not a 30 dollar mistake. All in all, hacks make a great game greater. Hacks should not, however, be a necessity to the game; the game should be perfectly functional and playable without any hacks at all.

With this in mind, I look at TS3 and frown. In order to just play a game that allows me the control the previous two games have allowed, I need an very large hack for the game. Nevertheless, I was determined to play a little of the game to see what the entire experience was like, but still I did not like or see anything superior to what I had in TS2.

Aside from looking like over-polished, over-photoshopped dolls, the lighting in the game is awkward and unnecessarily dark. The sims have a pause at every interaction that was very similar to TS1 where the would walk somewhere, stop, turn, stop and then walk to another point before stopping to do what they were supposed to do which is very annoying to watch. The game is also unnecessarily complicated and an hour into playing the game, I sorely missed the simplicity of TS2. The moodlets and aspiration boxes are complicated to keep track of and I wasn’t entirely sure I understood how each of the different options worked. It was also painfully difficult to remember where to look for something as basic as the sims’ needs.

In TS1, it was all about keeping the sims alive and happy. In TS2, the game was about helping them achieve some of their aspirations (or not) and keeping them alive and happy. In TS3, I can’t quite figure out if the game includes aspirations or not and if so, how that ties into keeping them happy. I’m very disappointed by the game, even though I recreated my TS2 patriarch as a toddler and attempted to raise him and his parents just to give myself a special attachment to the game. I just can’t see myself trying to spend the countless hours it would take to try and recreate all my TS2 sims and stories in a new game that is so convoluted that it lacks the depth and the creativity of its predecessor. The only positive thing I can say about the game is that your sim can visit his neighbors and explore the neighborhood without having to load anything…which is not nearly enticing enough to continue playing.

I think my last straw with the game came from when I was watching my sims sleep. In TS2, a married couple or at least a couple in love, will shift in their sleep for about a minute in the game before they spooned quite cutely together. You could also angle the camera just so and even see this under their cover. In TS3, they sleep as if they’re sleeping in entirely different beds that are just next to each other, they shift and shift and shift for hours before they spoon and just when I was already annoyed instead of the effect being that the sims were under a cover, the game just put them in some sort of mesh pod that showed nothing but a blank curve as the blanket effect.

I know it’s small, but this tells me that there’s really no point in moving forward this game. This small effect cheapens the game for me and tells me, after playing just one “day” in the game, that there are bound to be dozens of other lame shortcuts made so that the sims have that the ever-useful advantage of being able to leave their homes at will.

After this adventure, I queued up my TS1 game for old time’s sake, took pictures of my old West Family house, remade a beloved family from the game into TS2, remade their house and have had a blast playing this family for the past few days.

I still yearn for more sims things and may even try an expansion pack for TS3 just to see if it helps the game at all, but I’ll gladly continue playing my antiquated game for long haul.


Me work Saturday, October 29, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kaitco @ 11:55 pm

I got a lot of “me” work done today, which is really the most important work. I’m not sure if I’ll be going to church tomorrow, though if I’m already thinking this then, it’s really a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Depression is an odd thing. For me, it pops from nowhere and the smallest thing and bring down from the high of accomplishment so quickly that the mere thought of it causes another low by itself.

I continually try to psyche myself out of it, though. If I keep telling myself that I’m fine and then go play Rock Band for a few hours then I’ll be fine overall.


Another month Friday, October 28, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kaitco @ 11:54 pm

Every month I attempt to make the current month better than the previous one and yet, after weeks of failing to accomplish a few things, I end up throwing my hands into the air and giving up on my goals by around the 28th of the month.

So, here, I approach the end of the another month without a completed novel and another month where first-job goals have gone by the wayside.

Tomorrow will be better though. If I fail to keep saying that every evening then I really will be lost.


Different Thursday, October 20, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kaitco @ 11:51 pm

I don’t know what made me think of it today, but I remembered, quite clearly, the moment I realized that I didn’t think the same way my friends did.

It was seventh grade and my BFF at the time and I were in the same “Language Arts” class. I’d suspected that we were clearly on different educational paths for a while. A project was due where we were to make a game board for one of the books we were reading. I’d done mine in the last two or three days before it was due and created something so beautiful that I couldn’t bare to part with it into high school and I’m sure if I look hard I may find some remnants of it in my library…somewhere. My BFF did hers in the same time, but the results were far, far different and she got barely 15 points out of 25 and I got the full 25…and a Check-Plus.

This same friend approached me one day and said “OMG! Look at this book!” She held a copy of Moby Dick that someone behind was showing to other people. I looked at the book and I looked at her, not understanding her point. Then she said, “Look at how many chapters it has! It’s huge!”

To her credit, Moby Dick does have some 135 chapters to it, but many of the chapters are barely a page or two and I mentioned this to her, unimpressed by her amazement of a book with many chapters. I knew in that instant when she was still awed by the “chapterous” book and did not understand my point that, whatever happened, I thought differently and we wouldn’t be sharing many classes going forward. To my credit, I was right.

I think what’s driving this is the haunting thought of word count that’s pressing upon me. I’m currently on Chapter 23 of what was supposed to be 24 total chapters and, while I know I’m on the downward slope of the novel, there’s no way I’m finishing in less than 30 chapters at this point. It’s a little sad since that means I’ll probably have 100-150K words to delete, but I suppose that’s just part of the process.


Thanks! I needed that. Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kaitco @ 11:50 pm

My team at first-job threw a surprise potluck for me for Bosses Day. Technically Bosses Day was Sunday, but we have the most people here on Wednesdays, so I suppose that is why they did it then. I had thought about it yesterday since I remember some mumblings about it a few weeks ago, but I’d mentioned that I don’t like surprises and thought that might have been the end of it. Yesterday, the day after Bosses Day, I’d remember the previous mumbling and then thought sadly (only for a second) that they actually heeded my “warning” about surprises.

I woke up this morning, this very grey and rainy morning, feeling worse than I’ve felt in a long while. I remember this place, unfortunately. This is where I was almost exactly two years ago, before things at first-job started to change. This is place is very dark and sad and causes me to spend the entirety of my drive to first-job each morning in tears. I don’t know what to do to get out of this place and it makes me fall even deeper into it. It’s like I’m clawing at the walls trying to get out, but fall even deeper with each failed jump at the wall.

I was there this morning and half considered for a moment, not to go into the building for fear that I wouldn’t be able to make it through the day. As I got out of my car, I whispered a silent prayer for something to help bring me out of this and then I saw the surprise waiting for me. It was just the thing to bring me out of this place…if only for a little while.


My first five Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kaitco @ 11:49 pm

I’ve realized tonight that I’ve actually got the ideas (long-winded ideas) for what could potentially be my first five books. Damen, Jill, Prez H, My Persuasion and the Babymamas.

I not entirely sure why this comforts me, but it at least help put me at ease by thinking that perhaps, since I’ve got so many formed projects not just in my head, but written (by written, I mean in AwesomeNote) that perhaps my second job may turn out to be my first job after all.


Doesn’t Mean Anything Sunday, October 16, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kaitco @ 11:46 pm

by Alicia Keys ~ Elements of Freedom

I wrote the most of Flight in 2007 when Alicia Keys’ As I Am album came out and from that album, I fell in love with the songs No One and Lesson Learned, which are still two songs with some of the highest plays in my iTunes. I mention Flight here because I would often put one or another of these songs on repeat by itself and just write to it. Well, it’s 2011 (almost 2012) and I’ve found a new Alicia song to put on repeat and write: Doesn’t Mean Anything.

I love that moment when I hear a song and I know it is to be a favorite. More recently, I’ve discovered some of these songs while playing Rock Band, but also in discovering Spotify a few days ago and then playing the crap out of Doesn’t Mean Anything, I’ve felt that same moment again, much like I did when I first heard Lesson Learned.

Alicia Keys has long since replaced Mariah Carey when I consider my “favorite” singer and even though her last album is a few years old and she has come under some unfavorable spotlight lately, her music still moves me and moves me specifically to write.


Back to myself Saturday, October 15, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kaitco @ 11:46 pm

I feel like I’m becoming myself again, which is just breathtaking, for lack of a better word. I’m not quite sure how to explain it, but it’s like the weight of guilt and poor decisions has finally started to lift and the without the added pressure, I feel at peace.
The stress is starting to ease and I feel like I know who I am again. I’m not lost and searching aimlessly for answers I already have.


A Flight Nod Friday, October 14, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kaitco @ 11:45 pm

Today I got both a “favorite” and a review for Flight on Fanfiction.net. I’ve not received either in a while, but I must say that receiving these just makes me so joyous that it’s pretty ridiculous. I get such fun out of knowing that someone else read something I’d written and really enjoyed it; in many cases, really, really enjoyed it. It’s these times that I get the most inspiration to write, which is what I told my reviewer.


Everyday inspiration Thursday, October 13, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kaitco @ 11:44 pm

Today, I made some notes on Nostrum which I’ve not thought about in more than a month. I get inspired with different stories and projects almost every other day, which is why I love my AwesomeNote app so much since I can keep a note for every idea that pops to mind and keep them all neatly organized in a specific folder. Even better is that since they’re all in one place, I can review them at will and expand whenever inspiration strikes again.


My lesson Saturday, October 8, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kaitco @ 11:42 pm

I find it fascinating that I could spend nearly an entire day a week ago writing notes for a project and now have no desire to even glance at the notes in my AwesomeNote app. It’s a little discouraging. Perhaps, it’s a result of my neglecting to read and study and go to church lately.

I will say something about punishments, however. Yesterday, and my some measures today, I received a notable lesson about life. Yesterday I augmented my plans for the day to my detriment for the vague promise of another person and saw no reward for it. The lesson is learned however.

I’d been praying for not guidance, but clear help for a part of my life that’s been plaguing me. Specifically, I’d prayed that I knew right from wrong and I’d like very much to do right and yet, I couldn’t deny how badly I wanted to do wrong. Very, very badly. Today, however, I’ve received my answer. There was never a moment when what was wrong for me could have possibly been good and as a result I’ve been put in a position I’d rather not be since this month was going so well so far.


The terminator Friday, October 7, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kaitco @ 11:40 pm

I hate letting go of people. It’s the absolute worst thing that comes as a part of first-job. I’ve nearly earned the nickname “The Terminator” given how many terminations I’ve had to do in the past 18 months, but still…every one of them gives me a long-standing ache in my stomach and I’m sure removes a year from my life.

Again, I’m in no mood to write. The fire is not quite extinguished, but it’s in dire need of more kindling and I’ve got none to get the fire roaring again.


My impulse Thursday, October 6, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kaitco @ 11:39 pm

I’m thinking I’ve been far too impulsive lately, much to my detriment.

I’ve always managed to interview well; I’ll toot my own horn in stating that this is one of my gifts. Good interviewing aside, I don’t think I’ve made the proper decision in the recent days. Too much impulse coming from someone who rarely acts on impulse just does no good.

I’m not good at being impulsive and I think that’s why I’ve led a rather boring life thus far. I like being safe and comfortable, though I wonder if it’s a preference for choosing what’s easy over what’s right. The problem, which I mentioned yesterday, is that I’m really in need of a voice from heaven right now to steer me in the proper direction.


I just can’t stand it Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kaitco @ 11:39 pm

It seems some days that first-job irritates so much that I wish I could just walk away from all of it, knock over desks and monitors as I go. I was in a state not unlike this a while ago and applied elsewhere. Now those efforts are starting to come to fruition, though I’m uncertain whether I truly want to make the move or even if I’m ready to move.

It’s times like these when I really do wish for a booming voice from the sky to tell me what I ought to do.

I’m so lost these days and it’s getting difficult to streamline my thoughts because I’ve got so much running through my mind at this time.

Guilt, regret, pain, worry. All this does it’s part to effectively block the creative process.


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