I didn’t go to church again this week. I told a friend of mine from church the other day that I would be attending, but I still didn’t. Today, I spent a lot of the morning talking to God (in the normal way, not in the hearing a booming voice from the heavens way) and trying to understand this lack of desire I have for church.
I can blame this on a lot of things: There’s just too much drama “over there.” Every time I turn around, something else horrible has happened to the faithful and it makes me wish the good ole days when I didn’t know so many people and had far less opportunity for heartbreak. It’s far away from me, but I with the new car, driving is now a joy instead of an annoyance. Which usually leaves the ever more common “I just don’t want to go” excuse.
Today, however, I suppose I can attribute this to coming to the realization that I’m finally an adult. I looked at my life yesterday and realized that I have finally drifted out of that grey period just after college. I am an adult and have adult problems lying ahead of me. I have bills and money woes like all healthy Americans. I have a quest to find a better place to live. I have a job that no longer pays me by the hour and I desire to see some sort of career path come from it, even while I strive to complete my novel. I have adult relationships with other people that involve real friendships and the less auspicious results from them. Somewhere in this 26th year of life, I became an adult. It’s a little frightening when I think I about it since I really didn’t see it coming, but what’s worse is that with this new found adulthood, I’ve lost the will to attend church.
Church was never forced upon me. As a very small child, I attended because it was something I was told to do and had no choice in doing because I was seven. Then there was a period of about ten years where my mother and I didn’t attend church at all and I only “found” God more recently at age 21. Even then, church was a joy and I was never forced to attend. Lately it seems that same desire that pulled me out of the aisle that Mother’s day five years ago has been extinguished and I can’t get enough stuff going to rekindle it.
The last time I went, I told myself that I was going to attend every other day this month when I wasn’t working and the Sunday I worked, all I wanted to do was to be at church, but here I am, two weeks later, out of excuses and still not attending.
I wrote 446 words tonight (the two of spades and Trey took the pile) and I thank God for every one of them, but I still don’t know how to fix this. I think that’s what frightens me most of all; here I am, an adult, and I still haven’t got the world figured out yet…