Procrastination, part 1 Sunday, August 16, 2009

I saw “part 1” because I know this is just one many, many future posts that will feature procrastination. It’s now been eight full days since I’ve written any part of Damen. This happens every time I finish a chapter or a major scene and this little cycle is getting a little boring.

I know if I just sit down and start writing I’ll be able to just finish the rest of the notes, but I just can’t make myself write Damen. It’s not even that I can’t bring myself to write at all. After all, I’m writing this, I just can’t make myself write Damen. I’ve even taken to creating Edition 3 of Flight just to take the edge off. I know I want and need to write especially since it’s halfway through August and I’m still working on the notes, but it’s the same level of procrastination that kept me from studying for my O-Chem exams until the very last minute that’s plaguing me right now.

I blame some of this my cycle and the fact that I normally can’t write if the house is a mess, which it is, but I’m rather alarmed at how I’ve not yet figured out how to shake this procrastination. I know everyone deals with it on one level or another, but I’m almost 25 and I still haven’t made any progress with it. The worst part about it is that it almost seems productive.

Writing a blog post feels like it’s productive, but since my main only goal for my birthday this year is to get the novel done, any time I’m not writing Damen, I’m procrastinating. That includes working OT, reading, reading books I’ve already read, editing books I’ve already written, cleaning, DDR, eating, sleeping and I’d like to say even going to church, but I’d rather not be smote before I get the book done. I’ve been feeling rather creative lately, but just not towards Damen. I want to edit Flight and focus Edition 3 on craft and perspective. I want to create my webcomic Little Green Men. I even wrote a few notes on a storyline for “LGM” and have been trying to draw more, even though drawing is not my forte regardless of the genes handed down from my father. I just keep finding new and genuine ways of procrastinating.

Hopefully tomorrow, since I’ve put teaching on hiatus, but ironically want to study and teach more than ever now, I’ll get the cleaning bug and clean the whole house and do laundry and all that jazz and turn of the sims, which is a battle in itself, and sit down to just write. It’s quite a hope and I don’t have much “hope” in it, but here’s hoping…

A small success Saturday, August 8, 2009

Finally! Got a full scene done tonight last night!

I finished the scene where Damen realizes he’d met Brit before, but I hadn’t had so much fun writing any of the scenes this far. It was just full of all kinds of literary awesome. I  just kind of drifted in and out of perspectives and it felt beautiful!

I was hoping for a little more of a release or a little more relaxation after I’d completed the scene, but it was just like “Okay…but now there’s still a million more scenes to do…” I’m actually reached another rocky patch in the novel again. It happens after I finish each major scene, which I suppose will work well in the end since it creates some very concise chapter breaks in the project.

I also had an interesting experience yesterday (and really today as well) regarding what I think the Lord wants from me. In deciding that I wasn’t going to go to chuch for a bit, things fantastically fell apart for a bit. Once I’d made the “right” decision, things fell into place. I even said to myself “Well played, Old Man” once more.

I’ve fallen out of practice with my coding which has been proving rather disastrous with the church website. I forget how to do simple things and troubleshoot like I used to be able to do. Very frustrating…

I’ve been playing four sim families for the last couple of months. I want to create some depth and history as I also inject some new genes into the neighborhood. I don’t really want to just add a bunch of new sims without families or history, but this is a very trying experience. I’d tried to do this before, but it didn’t work very well. I ended up intertwining them with several other families and linking them to the Wests, but this has been going much better.

So, rather than work through my struggles at defining Damen’s reluctance to fully befriend Corey or work on my church website or anything else of any importance, I’ll just waste another night playing the sims.

Coincidentally, I had a mini panic attack about the fact that I’ll one day die and each day of life is rather precious…

Finding the old routine Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Between trying a fitness “boot camp” and various stages of mourning over Michael Jackson, I’ve not only fallen out of routine, I can’t seem to find or even remember what it was like. I’ve predicted for most of the year that I would start to “lose it” a bit once I got really close to 25, but this seems to be happening a lot sooner than I had expected.

What’s most frustrating about the last two months is the lack of anything significant happening with my writing. I’ve not actually got much accomplished even though I’ve been fervently writing Damen constantly, which has got me more than worried about my deadlines. I’ve completely missed the “light notes” deadline for 8/1 and, if I don’t get my act together in this next week, I’ll most likely miss the “heavy notes” deadline of 9/1. It’s just most distressing because I can’t seem to get my head in the right place.

I can’t make myself do anything. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve fallen out of routine or all I want to do with my time is listen to, read about or watch Michael Jackson lately, but this lack of any sense of routine has been more detrimental to me than the simple doldrums and monotony of a rut.

I suppose all is not proverbially lost as I was able to create a list of remaining scenes in Damen which will definitely help me shape the storyline, but I can’t ignore the fact that there are probably close to a hundred scenes between now and the end, and I should’ve already had these “light notes” done! My mind is simply so unfocused and I’m not sure how to get back on track.

I also can’t ignore the fact that, whether it is a cause or a result, I’ve not had the desire to do anything related to my church in the past two months. I think it’s time to take a step back from teaching because, while previously, I just didn’t want to do it, but knew I had no reason not to and I knew that once I got into it, I would enjoy it, nowadays, however, I’m really displeased with it and it’s lack of substance in my life. I don’t feel like I’m learning anything and so I don’t care. It’s like…one of our deacons has often said that the Sunday school was the foundation of the church. My foundation has been swept from beneath me and now I don’t know where I stand and what’s worse is I can’t figure out how to convince myself to care anymore. Very, very distressing stuff.

Half the reason I continued coming to church was because of all that I learned about Jesus and the rest of the Bible through Sunday School. Now, I’m not learning anything, I don’t feel as if I’ve got anyone to learn with and, since I’ve always got to be stimulated or else I’m quickly bored, I don’t desire to have anything to with it.

A part of me wants to say that all this disorder over my church has nothing to do with my writing, but it does. It’s everything. I’m a Christian and I feel like I’m losing my grip on what keeps me closest to Christ. This descent of mine has been growing for several months and, unsurprisingly, it took only a mad helping of BPD and OCD to tip me over that edge and really start falling. It’s like, first I lose my “dependence” on my church, my “sanity,” if you will, suffers and, of course, my writing suffers as well.

I think I need to clear some demons before I can find my old routine again and, as much as it pains me to say it, perhaps I need to take a step back from the church and…well, I’m not really sure what from there, so perhaps that’s a sign that I shouldn’t take that step, but either way, I need to fall into some kind of routine, hopefull a normal writing routine before the end of the month. If I approach 9/1 and I still haven’t got the heavy notes completed, I really might “lose it.”

I’ve found someone who has contacts with different agents and I feel it a blessing from God, but my lack of routine and my inability to make myself doing anything, even if it is for my own good, may allow this opportunity to slip through my fingers.

My goal for today is to take one step into that routine. However, minute and insignificant it may seem, but I’ve got to do something before I hit 25 and the storm really comes.