Silence Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Silence

Why does the heart want
what it ought not want?

I know right from wrong.
I make the proper choices.
I turn away from the darkened path.
I walk in what is light
And yet

The heart pulls,
it drags,
it draws me farther,
and farther
toward what it ought not want

I ask God often,
“Take this desire away from me.
I want only what is in the light,
the right,
that which is created from Your might.”
But,
my prayer is met with silence

I don’t hope to fathom
the depths of the Almighty.

Psalm 42 mocks me
as it mocked its writer
“Why art thou cast down, O my soul?”
Where is my answer?
Why won’t this leave me?
Why does my heart want
what it ought not want?

Silence

Somewhere
in there,
sometime
I’ll see
in silence
rests an answer

Edit: Left in Draft status for sixth months…

30-Day 5K – Day Seventeen Sunday, June 17, 2012

When I started this process 17 days ago, the novel was 25K words thicker and I still had more than half of it to go. Tonight, I wrote 6544 words (make his way to the bathroom.) and, while I could have written more (I suppose we can always afford to write more), I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished.

I’ve said many, many times in the past, but this blog keeps me honest. It forces to remain accountable to myself as I continue this endeavour and serves as a reminder that it’s not okay to put off my writing for a day or so when this is something I intend to make a part of my livelihood. All the other things, website coding, video editing, The Sims, TV, food, sleep; these things are all secondary to my writing. And, of course, God, family, country, etc., but I think those are naturally assumed.

I’ve decided that it’s time to official note that my “send date” for this novel is now the 1st of September rather than July, since July was a crapshoot anyway and I’m always far more enlightened, more creative and feel luckier in September than I do at any other time throughout the year.

Onward for tomorrow…

The Great Nostalgiatic Sea Sunday, November 27, 2011

I went to church today, but I didn’t feel as good as I normally do when I leave my house of worship. I just feel so bad when I’m of the opinion that I could have preached a better sermon than the one I’d just heard. It’s not a good feeling.

The rest of the day has been spent plowing through these Urkel episodes as I swim in the sea of nostalgia. Now, that I’m on the last season, I think the show got shafted since this season was miles better than its predecessor. No use in complaining now I suppose since I’d stop watching around age 11 and helped contribute to its demise. Oh well…it’s just interesting to watch these episodes and see how much they shaped my childhood, thus shaping me into the person I am today.

More bad news Saturday, November 26, 2011

I’m so tired of being right all the time.

I suppose it wouldn’t bother me so much except that I’m often pessimistic and I’m right about bad things happening.

I don’t know what bothers me more; that I knew the workplace bull was indeed BS or that I am now the one forced to deliver the even worse news to my direct reports.

Oh well…

I can now understand, however, why a previous boss of mine used to remind us, “Be thankful you have a job.”

Wouldn’t it be cool if…

I wrote a bit of Damen today, but I wrote a LOT about Anne. I was thisssssss close (true to scale) to actually moving it into it’s own Word doc, but I kept it in AwesomeNote for now. I’ve realized in the past few months that I my ideas are starting to follow a specific path.

First, I think of it by saying, “Wouldn’t it be cool if…” and then write down that idea somewhere. When I was a kid, it was on pink and purple post-its and then random slips of paper that I would find. Nowadays, I slip the idea into AwesomeNote and keep on moving. The beauty of having my ideas on my iPhone is that wherever I am, I can capture one of those “Wouldn’t it be cool if…” moments and then add onto them as I continue to review my ideas. Anne is now a behemoth of a note and it’s almost time to move it along in the progression since the next step in the path to becoming a book is moving from notepaper/app to a full MS Word doc. From there I move the million ideas into some kind of order and craft a plot from there and the rest is just a warped part of my life I’ve managed to dig for myself in the last decade.

Just watching Friday, November 25, 2011

I love days when I accomplish absolutely nothing. That in itself, in this multi-tasking society, is truly an accomplishment. I think the only real thing I can say I did other than support basic bodily functions is continue watching these Family Matters episodes. I think if I just keep watching them and see how the series ended, I’ll have achieved something in that.

Another b-day Thursday, November 24, 2011

We celebrated my grandmother’s 82nd birthday today…and also Thanksgiving. If I’m thankful for anything at all today, it’s that we all lived to see her turn 82.

I love spending time with my family. Despite the threats of being left to walk home from dinner for my political views, we always have a great time as we all age together.

I wrote some Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I wrote more today than I have in a long while. I think, perhaps, that’s the reason I’ve been feeling so down the past few weeks. My writing seems to have stalled and I’m not sure what’s needed to kick myself into gear other than my deep disappointment with first-job, but that disenchantment leads to nothing but depression and I can’t write when I’m depressed. Not prose fiction, anyway. Maybe some long mournful poetry, but nothing that I actually plan to publish one day.

Maybe that’s what I need; just spend a day writing out lame poetry for a bit and that will bring me out of this low.

Stress and Hope Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Nothing has occurred in the last week to give me hope that things are about to change. I’m not sure what’s…No, I’m completely sure of what’s causing some of this distress. I feel as if I’m so close to something special, but I just can’t seem to get myself far enough into gear to actually accomplish anything. Perhaps…I can just look into the little things and take a sense of accomplishment from those things.

For example, whenever I get “into” something I’m watching, I usually lose interest fairly quickly. I’ve yet to watch any little show I’ve added to my collection all the way through; I’ve started Roseanne, Ally McBeal, Wonder Years and Coupling on Netflix, for example, and intended to get through all the seasons and episodes, but failed each time, usually somewhere in the first or second season, except for Coupling because British shows only have four or five episodes for any show, so it’s far easier to get through a season there…though, it says little about me that I’ve still not finished the show…

I think perhaps, if I can get the garbage disposal fixed and then finish watching these Urkel episodes and feel some accomplishment from that.

Lack of accomplishment Monday, November 21, 2011

If I start listing all the things that I could have got accomplished today, I’ll grow even more depressed. It’s getting to the point that I have so many things stacked up in front of me that I can’t really see a way out of the mess anymore. So all I really want to do is watch whatever show is tickling my fancy at the moment (for now it’s Family Matters) or just play Rock Band for hours on end.

It’s a little disconcerting, but all I can really say is that I’m incredibly thankful for a such a shortened week for first-job.

Nothing to say Friday, November 18, 2011

I haven’t really got much to say about today except that I’m terribly frustrated with every aspect of my life right now. To add to that frustration, I don’t know really how to get out of it.

*****

I’ve sat in my chair for close to thirty minutes in the midst of writing this and some reflection (and a little help from my mother) has given me some hope. Some hope that first-job will not feel as if it is ripping out my soul and driving into the dirt every day I leave there. I think that’s all I really need at this point is just a little hope.

The cycle Thursday, November 17, 2011

Just as I was starting to believe that first-job was getting good, the cycle continues. Once again, first-job feels like death for me and there is little comfort to be had.

And, once again, in times of great stress I’ve fallen on type of stress relief which is obsessing over something. The likely occupant for this relief is watching Urkel as I have been doing for the past week.

On top of this, the skin on my neck has once again started to reject my cross…it’s almost as if my sinful body is rejecting the cross.

Very busy Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I’ve been insanely busy at first-job the past few days and I’m starting to think that perhaps first-job hasn’t been so bad after all. In fact, for just a moment today, I thought that I was even enjoying the work.

I think I really enjoy being ridiculously busy; it keeps away all the negative thoughts for the moment.

Time to watch more Urkel and fall asleep…

Some days I… Tuesday, November 15, 2011

…really hate people.

Or perhaps, I just need to learn to control my temper better. Either way, as far as today goes, I dislike all people of all shapes and all sizes and all colours.

I think the real issue is that I cannot stand for someone to have the audacity to claim or attempt to point out what I’m doing wrong when I’m trying only to help them. This is the state of first-job and I. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

I’ve decided to really push these last few weeks of 2011 and try to get this novel completed as soon as possible. The other day, I laid out my master plan to myself that really commences in April 2012 and if I don’t push as hard as I can now, my baby will never see the light of day.

Tired of being sick Monday, November 14, 2011

Yet another day has been spent sick and in pain. I don’t remember any other year of my life being so fully of sickness than 2011 has been. It seems as if the harder I try to change myself, the sicker I become and the more difficult it is to keep up anything.

I was able to get the entire house clean, but due to sickness, its just as big a mess as before I’d cleaned anything. I’d got caught up at work, but due to sickness, I’m behind like I always am. I’d started to exercise in the morning, but again, due to sickness, I have to start from the beginning once more.

I’m just so tired of being sick.