I am kaitco

a writer's log

My posts this year are analogous to 2016… Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Filed under: Dorienne — kaitco @ 2:18 pm
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…a barren wasteland of nothingness.

I could make a post just about Carrie Fisher…in fact, let’s start there.

Carrie Fisher passed away today. She had a heart attack on Friday, spent Christmas essentially on life support, and passed today at the age of 60. I’ve spent the last hour crying.

I didn’t know this woman. I didn’t know her friends, her family, favorite cities. I didn’t even know who her mother was until earlier this year. I have no reason to be in this much pain, but I am. Someone on reddit made me feel a tiny bit better. On the whole, however, my heart aches. It started aching on Friday, my whole body was tense across the weekend, and now the lacrimal floodgates have been opened.

Outside of Star Wars, I’d only seen her in When Harry Met Sally and, while at least one of her books has been on my To-Read list for ages, I’d never got around to it. I can’t say that I was some diehard Carrie Fisher fan, but still…I first watched Star Wars on VHS when I was about 11 and it was the coolest thing I’d ever seen in my life. What I loved most about was Princess Leia; a girl with big brown eyes and tons of sass, who carried the title of Princess. A young girl could hardly ask for more!

As I got older, I never found myself half-stalking her actions and film work the way I do with say, Gillian Anderson, but I knew she was writing and she was still there. This changed last year, when I got to experience the awe and wonder of watching a set of actors take up roles some 30 years after first portraying them. Offhand I can’t think of any other set of films or TV where this has occurred and I’ve spent much of this year intrigued by this and especially by Ms. Fisher. I don’t follow many celebrities on Twitter (I’ve followed Mark Hamill since Friday though because he’s good fun), but I was amused by her tweets that somehow found their way into my social media and I was wholly engrossed by how much of an advocate she has been for tearing down the stigmas of mental illness and also how she managed to take on all of her critics who complained about her looks, as if a woman is expected to look in her late 50s the way she did at 19. This year, especially, I had grown to really respect and admire Carrie Fisher, so hear that she had suffered a heart attack and then to hear that she had passed – my newly admired celebrity, my favorite princess since age 11 – this news is heartbreaking.

I think what aches the most is not just the loss of a celebrity I was gaining a newfound love for (seriously, not a month ago, I was thinking that I needed to follow more Twitter celebs and I should probably start with Carrie Fisher), but the fact that she was 60 years old. I understand that she had struggled with drug abuse her whole adult life and most abusers don’t usually live to a ripe old age, but I still see 60 as young. Perhaps, it’s because my parents are at this same age. Both dad and step-dad are 60 and mother isn’t far behind. Ms. Fisher leaves behind a daughter not much younger than myself. Her death, unlike that of David Bowie or Alan Rickman, hits home so much harder because she’s woman I felt I’d known since childhood and now she’s gone. The loss serves as a reminder that life is short and impermanent and that every moment must be cherished because we’ll never known which is our last.

This year has seemed so awful in so many respects, so I suppose this is a fitting way to close it. On a more personal level, I’ve allowed first-job to come before so many things that I’ve drifted from my church, regained all the weight I’d lost the previous year, I’ve watched my family suffer through medical setbacks and suffered through a couple of my own, and I have wallowed in a hole of depression so deep for so much of the year I half wonder if some of today’s tears aren’t just Ms. Fisher, but for just the year as a whole.

Next year will be better, I tell myself. I will write more, I will read more (starting with any Princess Leia-focused Star Wars book in creation, both canon and non, and then I’ll write one if I can’t find anything else that I want), I’ll attend church more, I’ll pray more, I’ll call relatives more. I’ll be a better daughter, cousin, niece, faux-sister, a better person. If I keep telling myself that next year will be better, maybe…just maybe, it will be.

And, so…some of Yoda’s words to help get me through the rest of this day, “Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not.”

 

May the Fourth Be with You, Always Saturday, May 4, 2013

Filed under: Dorienne,Writing — kaitco @ 9:11 pm
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Happy Star Wars Day!

Or Cinco de Mayo Eve, if that suits you better…

I got very little accomplished yesterday. I’d say that I’d needed a break, but given that I’ve been “breaking” for most of the year, I won’t give myself much credit.

I think I may have got about 4 lines done in my Chapter Details and made a tiny change to the actual text yesterday. Not a huge accomplishment, but as I’ve been saying here for years: Some is better than none at all.

I’m not sure if I’ll get much done since Sundays are usually difficult between church and working this night shift, but hopefully, I’ll have more to say tomorrow than half-garbled, half-asleep posts via Siri.

Onward and upward, and May the Fourth be with you!

 

May the 4th be with you…always Friday, May 4, 2012

Filed under: Dorienne — kaitco @ 12:27 pm
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It’s been May for four days now (Happy Star Wars Day, btw!) and I’ve started and deleted three different posts for this blog. This week has been the proverbial rollercoaster in terms of my writing moods and indecisiveness definitely clouded all of them.

Twice this week, I’ve come close to just giving up on the novel…if you can imagine that. It’s like running all but the last five steps of a marathon and the lying down to take a nap in the middle of street just in front of the finish line.

Fears of inadequacy have been plaguing me; What if this doesn’t make sense? What if no one finds this interesting? Is this interesting? What if I ruin the whole concept? What if I’m no good at writing? What if I can’t follow through on any of these ideas? What am I going to do with my life? What’s the purpose of this life? Have I really just wasted the last 4 years of my life with this? Am I pushing for nothing? Can I even sell a book like this? What if people hate me for it? What if people try to emulate what they read in it? What happens if nothing comes of it at all? What if I’ll never figure out how to make these last chapters work properly?

…this has been my week. Needless to say, it’s not been a very productive writing week as it’s difficult to create when all these questions and doubts are running through your mind at full speed.

I am better today though. Despite the upheavals at first-job, I am better and regardless of my fears, I will still write on this May the 4th. I’m beginning to think that all writers (would-be, aspiring or successful) go through these same thoughts…I just wish there was a list somewhere of how to counter all of this.

I know the bible says that worry is a sin itself, but it’s such an easy one and whether it’s just devil whispering in my ear or these troubles are unfounded, I still worry about my future.

 

The second week Sunday, May 22, 2011

This marks the second week I’ve not gone to church. I’m trying not to be troubled by the ease with which it has become so easy not to attend. To simply lay in the bed until 11 and then rise and say, “Oop…Well, I’ll never make it now. I guess I’ll just go next week…”

Anyway, I’ve done an obscene amount of gaming today; Green Day Rock Band and The Force Unleashed (again) to name the ones encompassing the majority of my time. It was speaking with someone the other day about games and how un-gamerlike I am by playing multiple games at one time and then never actually finishing them because I move between them so often that I can’t keep my attention on any specific one for any amount of time. One day, I’d very much like to complete a game to 100% of its achievements, but I’m really a terrible gamer since I’ve still not finished Final Fantasy X and seem forever stuck on the second round with Seymour.

All this gaming, however, has got me wondering for what I’m compensating when I play. There are a great many things I could have accomplished today, but didn’t because I was playing Rock Band and Star Wars games. I got to see my Bumby again, but outside of that, very little got accomplished. Oh well…I suppose I’ll complain about all this wasted time on my death bed…

I did manage to write 487 words tonight (her rhetorical question about his plane ticket) and I’ve decided that I’m not going to stress about word count any longer. If the first full draft of the novel is 300K words, then it is what it is and that’s why it’s called a first draft. If I try to pare down anything, I’ll end up telling my way through the novel when there is so many wonderful things I could show.

 

Uneventful Saturday, May 21, 2011

The world didn’t end today. Phoo…I was looking forward to a little looting, given that I didn’t make it to church last week, thus would not be fit for instant calling home.

Once again, I’ve got nothing significant to say other than I’m going to do everything in my power to start playing games all the way through to completion before I move onto another one. I haven’t got any games currently on pre-order so I think I can go another year before I buy another one and I now have a sizable pile of games that I’ve bought, but either haven’t started or in which I’ve only made a wee bit of headway. I’m thinking I may start with The Force Unleashed or Lego Star Wars Complete or maybe just continue with Green Day Rock Band since that is my latest purchase along with Lego Rock Band. Darn, these urges!

I wrote a measly 257 words tonight (if they could not keep quiet.), but considering I really didn’t have much to say tonight, I think I did quite well.

 

Day Two, feeling better Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Filed under: Writing — kaitco @ 11:59 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I feel far better today than I did yesterday or the day previous and while I know I’m coming down with a full cold, I no longer feel as if I’m going to be crushed the weight of everything occurring in my life.

I haven’t much to say tonight since Frasier’s Season One has arrived from Netflix today and I’m anxious to continue watching since I’ve been playing Season Five repeatedly since I got my Frasier kick a couple months previous…still a little ticked that the show is not streaming yet, but that’s for another post.

I wrote 266 words tonight (something to relax her for the night) and I think I illuminated Damen very well even though I was telling a lot more than I normally like to do, but it’s for the best.

Overall, I’m just plain happy to be alive and feeling like myself again.

Oh…and a Happy Star Wars Day to all! 🙂

 

Sleep Schedule Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Filed under: Dorienne,Writing — kaitco @ 11:59 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

My sleep schedule is completely out of whack lately, to the point that I rarely know if I’m coming or going and have trouble functioning during the most important parts of the day. This, of course, does terrible things to my health as I eventually need a day or two to put myself back into orbit, which is part of why I stayed home today. I really need another day because I’m really not quite well yet, but we’ll see what the morning brings.

The worst part about it is that I really don’t have the time to be sick. I’ve timecards to approve, corrective action to give, feedback to provide and so forth, which brings me back to why I’ve had so much trouble sleeping lately.

I’m also in need of a creative outlet, one that has nothing to do with anything. Yesterday, I uploaded a Sims 2 hair retexture I did months earlier and just the act of taking the pictures within the game, making some slight edits in Photoshop and then editing the code of the new page was enough to light a creative fire in me that I’ve not felt in a long while.

It’s terribly ironic that I should need a creative outlet while I’ve been blogging every single day of 2011 and I’ve been writing every single day since February 1st, but along the way all this has become my second job: something that must be done no matter what. While there are no direct consequences other than my own disappointment, I still know I have to write and I have to post and since I have to do these things, they’ve taken on a significance of their own and whatever joy that came from purely creative nonsense (like sharing Sims 2 hair retextures) has been lost. I thought trying to learn the piano would be a great start, but the lessons haven’t been going well and quite frankly, I’m moving so slowly that I’m beginning to think this is all just a waste of time. I long to learn how to draw, but after what’s happened with the piano, I’m not sure I’ve got the discipline to really learn to do anything else. So I’m stumped on what to do. I can’t let things stay the way they are, but I’m also not able to take on any new endeavours. What to do…

I wrote 257 words tonight (he spent the night reading webcomics online) and am trying desperately not to fall into further depression at this point. The thought of my car so far has kept me elated at least twice a day, but worry about what will happen when the newness wears and it becomes just a method to get me from Point A to Point B.

This month’s goal was supposed to be to go to bed every night by 2am and actually go to bed rather than just fall wherever I happen to be sitting. So far I’m 0 and 3. Tomorrow/Today is May the 4th, so that will provide some hilarity as most Star Wars days do, but still…

I’ve just got to sort out this sleep and lack of creativity soon.

 

 
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