No power Saturday, June 30, 2012

Sometimes, there just isn’t anything that you can do…

I was fully prepared to spend this weekend keeping up my editing momentum and continuing on with the first chapter again, but Mother Nature likes to do her own thing and I have no choice to bend to her wiles.

I’ve been without power since yesterday afternoon and, since the electric company is projecting to have the outage corrected by July 7th, (yes, seven full days and nights from now), I won’t be writing much.

I’ve finally found a hotel room, one with power and that actually had room available, but it won’t be available until tomorrow afternoon, so perhaps I’ll get the break I really need will commence with the editing once I’m safe in a hotel with power.

30-Day 5K – Day Fifteen Friday, June 15, 2012

I’ll get this over with nice and early…

I’ve been down all week and it’s finally caught up with me. I left first-job early and I probably would have slept into the wee morning hours if a friend hadn’t called.

To say that I’m ill is an understatement and since I’ve barely the energy or capacity to do much more than make myself a hot toddy and wrap myself up in my chair, I think it goes without saying that I’ll not be writing anything today.

Well, I can hardly hold the iPad upright any longer, so it’s time to make my tea while I can still see.

30-Day 5K – Day Twelve Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I’ve not felt well at all today and so, I’ll have to use the dreaded “None” tag for this post, as I should have written something, but failed to do so.

I did manage to pull together my notes for this revised chapter, along with the word count limits for each scene, so I suppose that is some sort of victory.

Something I noted to myself yesterday is that I’ve made a lot of progress in the last two weeks and I know this blog has had much to do with it. I’ve no one to hold me accountable for my writing since I seldom speak of it with my family and friends, so outside of the very rare, “So, how’s that book coming, Dorienne?” I’ve got few reasons to chug along outside of personal drive. This blog, however, serves as a record of the things I have or have not done and it gives me that accountability I desperately need if I’m to get this thing done.

So, while I’ve not actually written anything this evening, I’m fully aware of my failure because I’ve had to write about it and because I don’t like how the shade of failure looks against my skin, I know I’ll strive hard to prevent it from appearing tomorrow.

Another scare Thursday, January 26, 2012

As technologically savvy as I think I am, from time to time, it frightens me. In one day, Micro$oft corrupted my novel’s file and it looks like my Google account may have been accessed from outside my country. Passwords have been changed and the novel is safe (more or less), but it astounds me how much I’ve come to depend on something that may throw me under the bus at any minute.

My whole life is connected to my Google account and one disaster there is almost as bad as having a wallet stolen. My novel has been nearly my whole life for the past few years and, while the majority of the work is backed up in pieces across multiple hard drives and my website, the most recent works could have been long gone.

I guess I don’t have too much of a point tonight, but needless to say, I’m not going to get a lot of writing done tonight. While I tell myself, if something written were lost, it was probably for the best, but I find a lot of comfort in re-reading old things and seeing how I came from Point A to B, hence the reason for this blog. I don’t like losing things, especially when I’ve done so much to safeguard them and even with files kept on a shared hard drive kept on Dropbox and backed up to my website, things can still go wrong.

Time flies Monday, January 31, 2011

I noticed this evening how true time flies. In something as slow as a child growing up to something as simple as how I told myself I had “plenty of time” to finish another chapter on Lego Star Wars and still have time to write this evening. That said, time is passing me by at an ever increasing rate and I didn’t write anything today.

I think the worst part about not getting anything written today was that it was my day off from the first-job, but I didn’t feel well all day today and I’ll use that as an excuse for now.

Sometimes I really can’t believe how much time flies. Today is the 31st day of the first month in the second decade of the “new millennium.” It feels like just yesterday that people were freaking out about Y2K and hording food for the end of days. Luckily, there is always an end of days timeframe lurking just around the corner, so December 2012 will be an interesting time to be alive, assuming I don’t get hit by a bus or something by then.

Looking over this month, I still can’t believe I actually made it 31 days writing this blog without a break. I’ve had urges and goals like this previously, but they’ve always failed, no matter how badly I wanted them.

The key, I believe, is in having a real plan in place. My plan for January 2011 was no plan. That is, my only plan was just to do it. If I did it, I did it. If I didn’t, I didn’t. With no real pressure with a major plan in place, there was no sense of incoming failure lurking at all times and thus, I was able to naturally progress into a method of doing something daily that wasn’t a bodily function. Now, I think it’s time to up my proverbial ante.

I’ve got the method and the mindset in place; I’ve just got to make good use of them. For the next 28 days, I am going to write something in Damen. Every. Single. Day.

To keep with the guise of the “I really don’t care either way attitude” I’ll give myself an out, which will be I won’t have a word count limit at this point. Does this mean that I’ll probably see an increase in posts where I’ve written 500 words or less? Most definitely! But, I suppose I’ve got to start some place and this is as good as any.

With that said and my goal set, I think it’s time to waste the rest of this evening in the best way possible, so to Lego Star Wars, I return!

Bored. Sunday, January 23, 2011

I’m bored. I can’t deny this and what’s shameful is that anyone who could call herself a writer should never be bored.

I’ve got so much to write, to draw, to play, but I don’t want to do any of it. It’s moments like these when I just want a change in my life, but because I’m not in a position to take a big risk and make any grand changes, I’m just stuck. Needless to say, I didn’t get any writing done today.

I could blame the fact that I didn’t get to sleep this morning until about 8:30 in the morning, thus missing church by at least an hour and not really rising from the bed until about 4pm. I have so much to do for both first-job and second, but all I can really drive myself to do is trying to play Final Fantasy VIII on my PlayStation since I’m too cold to go downstairs and play something decent on Xbox, Wii or PS2. I was playing the sims up until 20 minutes ago, but even that has failed to hold my attention.

Every time I think about Damen, I cringe a little knowing that there is so much work to be done, but I just can’t get motivated. I need something to thrill me or just shake me out of these doldrums, but there’s so little in my life right to offer any extreme change, all I want to do is sleep, though I’m not tired…since I’ve only been awake since 4pm. I’m already tired of FF8 and I’ve not even started to really play it yet.

I don’t remember being this tired and slothful when I was younger. I want to do something, anything, but I just feel so…blargh….ata;thaei;pghaa4ir…

Hair! Saturday, January 22, 2011

…not the musical.

I really did intend to write today, but I’ve decided to take my hair out of these braids and, since that is a five-hour process, any writing really isn’t happening tonight.

What’s frustrating is that I had ample opportunity to write this afternoon, but had forgot to load the novel to my phone and thus was without any work.

I tried to just delve into a later chapter, but quit when I realized the futility of writing something I wad just going to edit out of existence when I finally caught up to that part of the novel.

While I’m not proud of going this long without writing, I am proud that I’ve gone now 22 days straight without missing a post. I haven’t managed a feat like this since…well, never.

Also, while I didn’t get to write much today, I did spend some time with folks who are somewhere between the buddy/friend line. I also learned about the use of dashes from a new Twitter follower, so it’s a great day overall.

Anyhoo, I’ve still got three fourths of my hair to unbraid and somehow straighten into something presentable.

It’s very strange, though: most of this week, I’ve had the time to write, but was just not in the mood, yet now I’d long for just a few more hours in this day so that another 48 hours won’t pass without a word added to the novel. There’s a moral here…I just know it.

Hi ho! Netflix! Friday, January 21, 2011

My eyes are tired, but somehow I managed to watch Netflix. I heart it so much already and, now that I’m reasonably warm and comfortable on my sofa watching some strange Japanese film from long ago.

I doubt I’ll get much written today. I may edit later this evening; I remember writing something last night, though the days are running together for me lately. I’d say I need a break, but I’ve already had numerous breaks this month and the month is almost done.

I hope that February will be more fruitful. Also, there’s nothing that stops me from writing in the morning; though if I can just make it to first-job on time tonight, I’ll feel all right.

For now, onto more foreign film and “Arrested Development!”

Lord, Lord…my day Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Phew! The day I’ve had…

My “assistant” is leaving which means I’ll have to find someone else to help with all my dozens of projects and I’ll have to re-train someone else on how I do things. I’ve already got someone in mind, but I doubt I’ll get a say in it this time like I did with him.

I’ve thought a ton about my first-job and my future, not to mention putting in the long hours today which what I’ll blame tonight on why I’ve got nothing written.

A while ago, I found myself presented with a choice between what was right, that is a new challenge with new faces in a new environment, and what was easy, that is the same old thing, just with a new title; I chose what was easy. Now, it’s easy for me to look back and think that my own frustrations about first-job come from making that decision, but I’ve found more opportunities in this last year than I’ve ever had. That said, when I look at my long term goals, I can’t help but see that one of the main reasons the novel isn’t done is because of the intrusions of first-job.

Second-job, writing, is what I want to do, but there’s a real possibility that the second-job will never become my first and only job. Damen could easily be a disaster that no one will ever publish, Jill could be even worse, Luka may never get off the ground, Evan will never see its second-coming and I’ll never be published.

It’s hard to dwell on all that though. I think I’ve had so many signs telling me that this (second-job) is what I’m meant to do, that it’s difficult to remember a time when I wanted to do otherwise. The reason I have the first-job that I do is because I sat in my car one day and asked myself, “Dorienne…what do you really want to do?” The answer was write and the solution was to just support myself with first-job until first and second jobs became one.

Years later, I’ve come to reason my ambitions can hardly be masked. Everything I do, I do it fully and I can’t help but strive to be the absolute best in what I do. This is why I hit walls where it takes a day to write a paragraph, but also why I’ve been able to make my leaps in the first-job. So, now I’m faced with making a decision I really don’t want to make: Giving up the second-job and focus solely on the first, or continue as I’ve always been. Again…a decision between what is right and what is easy.

It’s easy to move on the same path I’ve always walked and a strong part of me, no matter what everyone else tells me, believes that first-job and second-job are doomed to exist together. Neither dream will thrive while the other lives.

Melodrama aside, I’m just not sure I’m ready to give up either dream at this point in my life. I’m 26, though I say I am and feel 27, and hopefully, have a lot of life left to live. I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder what life would have been like had I stayed the course and continued with the decision I’d made when I asked my 22-year-old self what I wanted to do. At 22, I also said that I’d rather have a dead-end job while reaching for my dream than have a upper-middle management job having never sought the dream. The more I think of it, however, I also don’t think I’d like the idea of my previous mantra, “If I can’t have what I want, I want nothing.”

Decisions, decisions…

I can only pray about it. Even after a quick prayer today to calm my spirit in the midst of such rapid turmoil, He answered me and calmed me with better news. So, all I can do is pray that He’ll let me know when I’m on the right track.

Defining nothing Monday, January 17, 2011

I’d like to say that I got absolutely nothing accomplished today, but that’s just plain incorrect.

I wrote somewhere between 300 and 1,000 words, but since I can’t remember where I ended when I last counted, I’m not entirely sure if that was before midnight, after midnight, or right as midnight was passing. Since I can’t pin it down, I get to claim nothing, though from here on out I’ll be including the last few words I wrote when I last counted (then managed to score on the freshman goalie.)

Aside from the writing that may or may not have occurred in the last 24 hours, I spent most of the day lying in bed, then discovering music and video games I’d like to buy. The music was the fun part (Janelle Monae!!), but the video games made me realize how much more earnestly I need to create and stick to a budget. All in all, I haven’t done “nothing,” but I just can’t call what I’ve done today “something.”

I suppose it feels that way when I spend more than half the day asleep and then most of the other half playing Lego Star Wars and Final Fantasy X, but outside of not taking down my hair, I don’t think I’ve missed all that much.

Anyhoo…whenever it was, last night or to-night, I tried facing the wall I’ve recently hit head on and ended up with the equivalent of a big bruise on my forehead. It’s just a mess, a muddled, convoluted mess!

Even after I manage to make sure that Damen doesn’t seem in love with Britiana, I’ve practically shot myself in the foot with the scene where Zach calls her the NP and Corey makes references to “those people.” Perhaps I’m putting too much of myself into Damen, but I really can’t see him continuing to befriend Corey if Corey comes out with the whole “bred like dogs” to be better athletes thing this early. So, I started into this whole drivel about Corey and Brit liking each other when they were kids, but the whole thing came out so laughable that had no choice but to make Damen crack up at the description, when I really need the scene to remain a bit dark. That’s when I quit for the night.

I doubt I’ll get anymore written tonight, tomorrow or whatever. Nothing significant, that is. I’ve got to sit down and just contemplate what’s going on and why these characters are behaving the way they are. I know it’s right in front of me. I just haven’t looked hard enough yet or, to quote “The X-Files” (because I saw Ms. Anderson in a bit of “Bleak House” this afternoon and I’m totally in the mood for an X-Fileathon): The answers are there, [I] just have to know where to look.

Simming vs. Writing Monday, January 10, 2011

Any time I have a long expanse of time on my hands, I have to make a conscious decision on how I’m going to spend it. Often, however, this time falls into one of two categories: writing and simming. Today, like many days before it, was a day where I chose the sims.

So, while I can’t say I’ve done anything significant in regards to my literary aspirations, I have created a simified version of myself.

Meet Dorienne Duplex, created to ease sims into their duplex homes.

It’s far easier to have a random sim to have others move into duplex-type homes and I figured that I would be the best candidate for the job. She’s not truly a spitting image of me since her bottom isn’t big enough and her eyes are too dark, but I like her nonetheless.

I haven’t had a lot of things to smile about in the past few days and, if Dorienne Duplex can make me grin just for a moment…then so be it.

Another day Sunday, January 9, 2011

I started the day feeling so high from church, but another day spent mostly at work has robbed me from any meaningful writing.

Between people issues, technical issues and the incessant questions, I never get anything done there so I have to stay for hours afterward hoping to get some actual work done. By the time I get back home, I’m too tired to write anything.

I considered writing a tiny bit, less than 100 words, just to say that I’d written something, anything, but I’d rather just call it a night. I’ve got a load of “Seinfeld” episodes queued for me and a little bit of dinner, so I can only hope for the best.

Whether it’s my family, my first job, my doubts about my writing or a combination of all three, I just get so fatigued it’s hard to know if even worth it to keep going…

I blame work Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I didn’t get anything written today; I blame my first job.

One of the other managers called in sick and I had was pseudo-drafted to pick up the slack. And, since I’ve been doing a crap job of loading my novel onto my phone each day, I didn’t have my current chapter with me and thus, got nothing done. I did however get a kind of cool shot for my Project 365:
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Anyway…photo finish on this post!

WTC! WordPress App! Thursday, December 30, 2010

I’m cheating with starting this post now; this way I’ll have something written for 12/30 and won’t have to look back on the day with disdain.

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This post was originally titled “Cheating,” but I had to change it when I saw how the WordPress app for iPhone totally screwed over my post:

Now, on with the rest of this…after I freakin’ fix what the WP app did to this post…

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I didn’t get anything written yesterday and I don’t think I’ll get anything written tonight either. I also barely got any housework done so yesterday was a complete slothful waste in every way.

I’m pretty much hooked on caffeine again, so I’ll just add that to the lengthy list of new year’s resolutions. I’m worried about what lies in my gene pool though and I greatly worry about bipolar disorder. I’ve been often told that it affects creative types, usually shows up during the twenties or thirties, is acerbated by drug and alcohol abuse and is hereditary. Since 3/4 of these factors are outside of my control, I work hard to control the one that is in my control by limiting alcohol and removing all people from my life who could even relate me to drugs.

The problem, however, is that there are a lot of drugs that people ignore since they are so commonplace. Over the counter meds are one, so I steer clear of those unless I’m in severe pain, but caffeine is another whose abuse is rampant, but because it is so commonplace, it is readily ignored. What has me worried are thoughts from a few weeks ago, when I clearly remember saying to myself, “God, I wish I was still on caffeine so that I could have something to hold on to.” Now, I’ve got a caffeine headache and am “itching” to get my next “fix.”

I know it sounds weak to compare caffeine with other drug problems, but this truly is how it starts. Life feels out if control and in the midst of a low, you reach for anything that will make you feel something, anything. Caffeine gives me a little rush and the desire of getting more keeps me from feeling so empty at times; like I suddenly have purpose. It’s a very scary thought because it’s only a skip and a jump to other things that will help make me feel something when I’m low.

I’m going to go without any caffeine for the next few days, but I hate the idea of going into a new year with this issue hanging over my head.

Anyway, my goals for 12/31/10 are quite lofty and include everything from laundry to vacuuming the windows and complete not just Chapter 7, but Chapter 8 too!

My odds of making one of these goals is slim to none, but here’s to trying and to trying to avoid drug abuse for another year!

Hazlo tarde Wednesday, December 29, 2010

So, nothing got written during all of yesterday.

The main reason for it is that I was playing IT specialist to my family, traveling and worked close to a 14-hour day at my first job. I’m not using these as excuses, but I just plain ran out of time.

I don’t I’ll get too much written this week since I’m closing in on the new year and am simply determined to get my house cleaned before then. I want the laundry done, trash outside, my bed made, the bathroom cleaned, dishes done, paper shredded and sorted, and floor and stairs vacuumed before I leave for Watch Night service this Friday. It’s a lot to do, but I know if I haven’t got it done by the time I leave, the whole year will be much like it was this year: in a perpetual state of trying to catch up with all the crap.

I was doing some pondering today, while manning some mindless tasks, about my upcoming Harry-fic and how I plan on going about the relationship thingy. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of making something that could truly fit in between Books 5 and 7, which means I may need to play down the whole Harry/Hermione thing a bit, or at least make it very clear how Ron doesn’t want Hermione after all, why Harry does and yet still keep things on a level that could potentially lead into Book 7. I’m not sure I can “re-write” Book 6 as Harry/Hermione and still make it fit nicely into Book 7, but I think it’s worth a shot. At least, with this in the back of my mind, it will help keep me honest to the characters and ensure that I’ve justified the decision I’ve made since I’m certain there are so many people in this world who got through the first 4 Harry books and came to a completely different conclusion about the state of the trio’s love triangle from me. I think I’ll just stick to the old edict of “Two men, one woman…trouble.” and write what suits me.

I often find myself comparing myself to each of the characters I write and as I continue with Damen, it gets harder to make complete distinctions. It’s like I’m their…god and I’ve left a lot of myself in all of them, even Corey. I’ve also made some characters that reflect (at least on a subconscious level, initially) how I think many people see me and how I would like to see myself. I did this with Flight as well. I looked at Alexa and knew that she was how people saw me: short, annoying and unwanted. I wanted to be seen like Andrea: tall, respected, intelligent and dark-skinned and beautiful. It’s almost like I’m writing the same character, though I have yet to see which character fits how folks might see me, other than Britiana, who’s just a little too obvious. Brit’s short, I’m short. Brit’s black, I’m black. Brit had mostly white friends in suburbia and I had the same. Outside of that, however, our likenesses really end. I didn’t sit at the trendy table in high school, but I guess some of the people who I ran with did, so others kind of saw me that way (as I learned in college), but really, I don’t think too many people would look at Brit and think: Dorienne! I definitely want to be seen like Anessa since, like Andrea, she is tall, respected, intelligent, dark-skinned and beautiful. I can see her very clearly in my mind and I can’t help wishing that I was like her, the same way I get jealous of the African women at my first job; I just feel like my blood is so dirty compared to them and some days, my skin looks more yellow-oakish than a rich mahogany. Anyway, I’m just rambling now.

I would like to finish Chapter 7 as well, but I’ll be happy if I can just get things sorted at the first job and just moving in the right direction on the second.

I’d also like to turn on the heat this week, but we’ll see if I can work up the courage to change the air filter…it’s definitely been a while.