Between trying a fitness “boot camp” and various stages of mourning over Michael Jackson, I’ve not only fallen out of routine, I can’t seem to find or even remember what it was like. I’ve predicted for most of the year that I would start to “lose it” a bit once I got really close to 25, but this seems to be happening a lot sooner than I had expected.
What’s most frustrating about the last two months is the lack of anything significant happening with my writing. I’ve not actually got much accomplished even though I’ve been fervently writing Damen constantly, which has got me more than worried about my deadlines. I’ve completely missed the “light notes” deadline for 8/1 and, if I don’t get my act together in this next week, I’ll most likely miss the “heavy notes” deadline of 9/1. It’s just most distressing because I can’t seem to get my head in the right place.
I can’t make myself do anything. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve fallen out of routine or all I want to do with my time is listen to, read about or watch Michael Jackson lately, but this lack of any sense of routine has been more detrimental to me than the simple doldrums and monotony of a rut.
I suppose all is not proverbially lost as I was able to create a list of remaining scenes in Damen which will definitely help me shape the storyline, but I can’t ignore the fact that there are probably close to a hundred scenes between now and the end, and I should’ve already had these “light notes” done! My mind is simply so unfocused and I’m not sure how to get back on track.
I also can’t ignore the fact that, whether it is a cause or a result, I’ve not had the desire to do anything related to my church in the past two months. I think it’s time to take a step back from teaching because, while previously, I just didn’t want to do it, but knew I had no reason not to and I knew that once I got into it, I would enjoy it, nowadays, however, I’m really displeased with it and it’s lack of substance in my life. I don’t feel like I’m learning anything and so I don’t care. It’s like…one of our deacons has often said that the Sunday school was the foundation of the church. My foundation has been swept from beneath me and now I don’t know where I stand and what’s worse is I can’t figure out how to convince myself to care anymore. Very, very distressing stuff.
Half the reason I continued coming to church was because of all that I learned about Jesus and the rest of the Bible through Sunday School. Now, I’m not learning anything, I don’t feel as if I’ve got anyone to learn with and, since I’ve always got to be stimulated or else I’m quickly bored, I don’t desire to have anything to with it.
A part of me wants to say that all this disorder over my church has nothing to do with my writing, but it does. It’s everything. I’m a Christian and I feel like I’m losing my grip on what keeps me closest to Christ. This descent of mine has been growing for several months and, unsurprisingly, it took only a mad helping of BPD and OCD to tip me over that edge and really start falling. It’s like, first I lose my “dependence” on my church, my “sanity,” if you will, suffers and, of course, my writing suffers as well.
I think I need to clear some demons before I can find my old routine again and, as much as it pains me to say it, perhaps I need to take a step back from the church and…well, I’m not really sure what from there, so perhaps that’s a sign that I shouldn’t take that step, but either way, I need to fall into some kind of routine, hopefull a normal writing routine before the end of the month. If I approach 9/1 and I still haven’t got the heavy notes completed, I really might “lose it.”
I’ve found someone who has contacts with different agents and I feel it a blessing from God, but my lack of routine and my inability to make myself doing anything, even if it is for my own good, may allow this opportunity to slip through my fingers.
My goal for today is to take one step into that routine. However, minute and insignificant it may seem, but I’ve got to do something before I hit 25 and the storm really comes.