My 30-Day 5K Thursday, May 31, 2012

I won’t be doing any running, of course; that’s just madness. I will, however, be writing and editing a lot. The plan here is to spend the next 30days writing and/or editing a minimum of five thousand words every day. This should get me through, in theory, about a chapter every two days, letting me finish with a nearly complete product by mid-month and then another 15 days to clean up things.

This is a bit drastic and a little illogical and I’ve set up things like this in the past quite often and have also failed in these self-challenges just as often, but it’s time to do something.

I feel my life starting to slip into simple mediocrity without anything meaningful to help me feel creative any longer (yes, I’ve stopped watching Downton Abbey for the moment) and I worry that if I keep going like this, if I just stop writing or stop daydreaming about the stories I’d like to write, I’ll turn around, realize I’m 30 and my life still hasn’t started.

On top of this, I’m really going to pay close attention to my spending and concentrate on debt reduction next month, since I make a good enough living to be living better than I do, but I’m wasting all of it on debt increased by the number of times I eat out rather than cook something…which brings me to the third goal for June, which is that if I’m too lazy to pack a lunch for myself the previous night (on top of writing my 5K), then I’ll just have to go hungry.

It’s hard to punish oneself, but I’ve been a very spoiled brat for too long and someone’s got to do it.

I’ll post daily to keep me honest and make me really think about whether I’m going to lie on the sofa in the evening and do nothing since I’ll know I’ll have to answer for it. With my wrist feeling a little bit better, I’m willing to push myself, so even if I’ve got no chance at achieving all three of these goals, at least I’ll get a little momentum going on one front.

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Minecraft Abbey Friday, May 25, 2012

Yesterday was the first day in almost three weeks that I did any significant writing. I’ve known for about a month earlier that I would get the writing “bug” again once I returned to my normal job at first-job, but it wasn’t until I actually returned that I saw my own “prophecy” fulfill itself.

I’ve only got excuses for the last week; the rest of this month has been a blur of fatigue. I was on vacation last week and instead of using the time to just plow through and finish this book once and for all, I spent ten days watching the old X-Men cartoon, the old Pirates of Dark Water cartoons, reading X-Men comics and watching and re-watching Downton Abbey. On the latter end of this vacation, I discovered Minecraft which, like The Sims, is the detriment to all things literary. My blame, however, for not writing will be placed mostly on the shoulders of Downton Abbey.

I love the characters of this show and I am really invested in a TV show for the first time since I started watching SVU, almost a decade ago. Given that they only produce 7 or 8 episodes a YEAR, I’ve taken to watching the available episodes often and often while playing Minecraft, either on the iPad or just on the laptop. With such focus, I’ve been oddly left with my literary tastes whet and with no desire to write at all. I even found myself wondering if I should even continue writing anything at all.

Thankfully, I died an aggravating and horrible death in Minecraft and decided to shut off Downton for the time being and this cleared my head long enough to for me to want to write again.

It’s rare for a TV show to satisfy me in a way that previously only the act of writing could, which I think speaks volumes about it, but it troubles me that I could be swayed into giving up my very being over something so simple.

I’m back to writing, thankfully, and I am, in many ways, back where I belong. That said…

I’ve been having flashes of all sorts of nightmarish conditions for myself as I consider what could possible be wrong with my left hand and wrist. Some time last week, in the midst of Minecraft, I noticed some pain in my left pinky finger. The altering numbness and pain spread into my ring finger and now across the back of my hand, making it very difficult to type normally, hence the reason I’ve decided to pen this via iPad, while it would take half the time on the laptop.

I’m not sure if this is carpal tunnel or something worse, but a writer, at least in this day and age, who is unable to type is really quite crippled, isn’t she? I know I have to keep writing no matter what, so for now, I’ll revert back to my old ways when playing soccer and basketball in high school and “play through the pain,” but I can’t help noting that I’m a bit worried.

…all this not withstanding, I know that whatever happens, God will provide.

May the 4th be with you…always Friday, May 4, 2012

It’s been May for four days now (Happy Star Wars Day, btw!) and I’ve started and deleted three different posts for this blog. This week has been the proverbial rollercoaster in terms of my writing moods and indecisiveness definitely clouded all of them.

Twice this week, I’ve come close to just giving up on the novel…if you can imagine that. It’s like running all but the last five steps of a marathon and the lying down to take a nap in the middle of street just in front of the finish line.

Fears of inadequacy have been plaguing me; What if this doesn’t make sense? What if no one finds this interesting? Is this interesting? What if I ruin the whole concept? What if I’m no good at writing? What if I can’t follow through on any of these ideas? What am I going to do with my life? What’s the purpose of this life? Have I really just wasted the last 4 years of my life with this? Am I pushing for nothing? Can I even sell a book like this? What if people hate me for it? What if people try to emulate what they read in it? What happens if nothing comes of it at all? What if I’ll never figure out how to make these last chapters work properly?

…this has been my week. Needless to say, it’s not been a very productive writing week as it’s difficult to create when all these questions and doubts are running through your mind at full speed.

I am better today though. Despite the upheavals at first-job, I am better and regardless of my fears, I will still write on this May the 4th. I’m beginning to think that all writers (would-be, aspiring or successful) go through these same thoughts…I just wish there was a list somewhere of how to counter all of this.

I know the bible says that worry is a sin itself, but it’s such an easy one and whether it’s just devil whispering in my ear or these troubles are unfounded, I still worry about my future.