I am kaitco

a writer's log

Hi ho! Netflix! Friday, January 21, 2011

Filed under: Dorienne — kaitco @ 11:46 pm
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My eyes are tired, but somehow I managed to watch Netflix. I heart it so much already and, now that I’m reasonably warm and comfortable on my sofa watching some strange Japanese film from long ago.

I doubt I’ll get much written today. I may edit later this evening; I remember writing something last night, though the days are running together for me lately. I’d say I need a break, but I’ve already had numerous breaks this month and the month is almost done.

I hope that February will be more fruitful. Also, there’s nothing that stops me from writing in the morning; though if I can just make it to first-job on time tonight, I’ll feel all right.

For now, onto more foreign film and “Arrested Development!”

 

Lord, Lord…my day Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Filed under: Dorienne,Favorite,Writing — kaitco @ 11:58 pm
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Phew! The day I’ve had…

My “assistant” is leaving which means I’ll have to find someone else to help with all my dozens of projects and I’ll have to re-train someone else on how I do things. I’ve already got someone in mind, but I doubt I’ll get a say in it this time like I did with him.

I’ve thought a ton about my first-job and my future, not to mention putting in the long hours today which what I’ll blame tonight on why I’ve got nothing written.

A while ago, I found myself presented with a choice between what was right, that is a new challenge with new faces in a new environment, and what was easy, that is the same old thing, just with a new title; I chose what was easy. Now, it’s easy for me to look back and think that my own frustrations about first-job come from making that decision, but I’ve found more opportunities in this last year than I’ve ever had. That said, when I look at my long term goals, I can’t help but see that one of the main reasons the novel isn’t done is because of the intrusions of first-job.

Second-job, writing, is what I want to do, but there’s a real possibility that the second-job will never become my first and only job. Damen could easily be a disaster that no one will ever publish, Jill could be even worse, Luka may never get off the ground, Evan will never see its second-coming and I’ll never be published.

It’s hard to dwell on all that though. I think I’ve had so many signs telling me that this (second-job) is what I’m meant to do, that it’s difficult to remember a time when I wanted to do otherwise. The reason I have the first-job that I do is because I sat in my car one day and asked myself, “Dorienne…what do you really want to do?” The answer was write and the solution was to just support myself with first-job until first and second jobs became one.

Years later, I’ve come to reason my ambitions can hardly be masked. Everything I do, I do it fully and I can’t help but strive to be the absolute best in what I do. This is why I hit walls where it takes a day to write a paragraph, but also why I’ve been able to make my leaps in the first-job. So, now I’m faced with making a decision I really don’t want to make: Giving up the second-job and focus solely on the first, or continue as I’ve always been. Again…a decision between what is right and what is easy.

It’s easy to move on the same path I’ve always walked and a strong part of me, no matter what everyone else tells me, believes that first-job and second-job are doomed to exist together. Neither dream will thrive while the other lives.

Melodrama aside, I’m just not sure I’m ready to give up either dream at this point in my life. I’m 26, though I say I am and feel 27, and hopefully, have a lot of life left to live. I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder what life would have been like had I stayed the course and continued with the decision I’d made when I asked my 22-year-old self what I wanted to do. At 22, I also said that I’d rather have a dead-end job while reaching for my dream than have a upper-middle management job having never sought the dream. The more I think of it, however, I also don’t think I’d like the idea of my previous mantra, “If I can’t have what I want, I want nothing.”

Decisions, decisions…

I can only pray about it. Even after a quick prayer today to calm my spirit in the midst of such rapid turmoil, He answered me and calmed me with better news. So, all I can do is pray that He’ll let me know when I’m on the right track.

 

Defining nothing Monday, January 17, 2011

I’d like to say that I got absolutely nothing accomplished today, but that’s just plain incorrect.

I wrote somewhere between 300 and 1,000 words, but since I can’t remember where I ended when I last counted, I’m not entirely sure if that was before midnight, after midnight, or right as midnight was passing. Since I can’t pin it down, I get to claim nothing, though from here on out I’ll be including the last few words I wrote when I last counted (then managed to score on the freshman goalie.)

Aside from the writing that may or may not have occurred in the last 24 hours, I spent most of the day lying in bed, then discovering music and video games I’d like to buy. The music was the fun part (Janelle Monae!!), but the video games made me realize how much more earnestly I need to create and stick to a budget. All in all, I haven’t done “nothing,” but I just can’t call what I’ve done today “something.”

I suppose it feels that way when I spend more than half the day asleep and then most of the other half playing Lego Star Wars and Final Fantasy X, but outside of not taking down my hair, I don’t think I’ve missed all that much.

Anyhoo…whenever it was, last night or to-night, I tried facing the wall I’ve recently hit head on and ended up with the equivalent of a big bruise on my forehead. It’s just a mess, a muddled, convoluted mess!

Even after I manage to make sure that Damen doesn’t seem in love with Britiana, I’ve practically shot myself in the foot with the scene where Zach calls her the NP and Corey makes references to “those people.” Perhaps I’m putting too much of myself into Damen, but I really can’t see him continuing to befriend Corey if Corey comes out with the whole “bred like dogs” to be better athletes thing this early. So, I started into this whole drivel about Corey and Brit liking each other when they were kids, but the whole thing came out so laughable that had no choice but to make Damen crack up at the description, when I really need the scene to remain a bit dark. That’s when I quit for the night.

I doubt I’ll get anymore written tonight, tomorrow or whatever. Nothing significant, that is. I’ve got to sit down and just contemplate what’s going on and why these characters are behaving the way they are. I know it’s right in front of me. I just haven’t looked hard enough yet or, to quote “The X-Files” (because I saw Ms. Anderson in a bit of “Bleak House” this afternoon and I’m totally in the mood for an X-Fileathon): The answers are there, [I] just have to know where to look.

 

Simming vs. Writing Monday, January 10, 2011

Filed under: The Sims — kaitco @ 11:42 pm
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Any time I have a long expanse of time on my hands, I have to make a conscious decision on how I’m going to spend it. Often, however, this time falls into one of two categories: writing and simming. Today, like many days before it, was a day where I chose the sims.

So, while I can’t say I’ve done anything significant in regards to my literary aspirations, I have created a simified version of myself.

Meet Dorienne Duplex, created to ease sims into their duplex homes.

It’s far easier to have a random sim to have others move into duplex-type homes and I figured that I would be the best candidate for the job. She’s not truly a spitting image of me since her bottom isn’t big enough and her eyes are too dark, but I like her nonetheless.

I haven’t had a lot of things to smile about in the past few days and, if Dorienne Duplex can make me grin just for a moment…then so be it.

 

Another day Sunday, January 9, 2011

Filed under: Dorienne — kaitco @ 11:42 pm
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I started the day feeling so high from church, but another day spent mostly at work has robbed me from any meaningful writing.

Between people issues, technical issues and the incessant questions, I never get anything done there so I have to stay for hours afterward hoping to get some actual work done. By the time I get back home, I’m too tired to write anything.

I considered writing a tiny bit, less than 100 words, just to say that I’d written something, anything, but I’d rather just call it a night. I’ve got a load of “Seinfeld” episodes queued for me and a little bit of dinner, so I can only hope for the best.

Whether it’s my family, my first job, my doubts about my writing or a combination of all three, I just get so fatigued it’s hard to know if even worth it to keep going…

 

I blame work Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Filed under: Artwork,Dorienne — kaitco @ 11:59 pm
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I didn’t get anything written today; I blame my first job.

One of the other managers called in sick and I had was pseudo-drafted to pick up the slack. And, since I’ve been doing a crap job of loading my novel onto my phone each day, I didn’t have my current chapter with me and thus, got nothing done. I did however get a kind of cool shot for my Project 365:
.

Anyway…photo finish on this post!

 

WTC! WordPress App! Thursday, December 30, 2010

Filed under: Dorienne — kaitco @ 12:02 pm
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I’m cheating with starting this post now; this way I’ll have something written for 12/30 and won’t have to look back on the day with disdain.

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This post was originally titled “Cheating,” but I had to change it when I saw how the WordPress app for iPhone totally screwed over my post:

Now, on with the rest of this…after I freakin’ fix what the WP app did to this post…

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I didn’t get anything written yesterday and I don’t think I’ll get anything written tonight either. I also barely got any housework done so yesterday was a complete slothful waste in every way.

I’m pretty much hooked on caffeine again, so I’ll just add that to the lengthy list of new year’s resolutions. I’m worried about what lies in my gene pool though and I greatly worry about bipolar disorder. I’ve been often told that it affects creative types, usually shows up during the twenties or thirties, is acerbated by drug and alcohol abuse and is hereditary. Since 3/4 of these factors are outside of my control, I work hard to control the one that is in my control by limiting alcohol and removing all people from my life who could even relate me to drugs.

The problem, however, is that there are a lot of drugs that people ignore since they are so commonplace. Over the counter meds are one, so I steer clear of those unless I’m in severe pain, but caffeine is another whose abuse is rampant, but because it is so commonplace, it is readily ignored. What has me worried are thoughts from a few weeks ago, when I clearly remember saying to myself, “God, I wish I was still on caffeine so that I could have something to hold on to.” Now, I’ve got a caffeine headache and am “itching” to get my next “fix.”

I know it sounds weak to compare caffeine with other drug problems, but this truly is how it starts. Life feels out if control and in the midst of a low, you reach for anything that will make you feel something, anything. Caffeine gives me a little rush and the desire of getting more keeps me from feeling so empty at times; like I suddenly have purpose. It’s a very scary thought because it’s only a skip and a jump to other things that will help make me feel something when I’m low.

I’m going to go without any caffeine for the next few days, but I hate the idea of going into a new year with this issue hanging over my head.

Anyway, my goals for 12/31/10 are quite lofty and include everything from laundry to vacuuming the windows and complete not just Chapter 7, but Chapter 8 too!

My odds of making one of these goals is slim to none, but here’s to trying and to trying to avoid drug abuse for another year!

 

 
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