I am kaitco

a writer's log

The bad girl Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Filed under: Dorienne,Writing — kaitco @ 11:59 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

Five years into my Christian walk, it’s often difficult to remember what my “old life” was like. I can remember blurs and pieces here and there, but I can’t recall if much of it was a lot of fun because I didn’t really like myself then and worried about the person I would become.

I like to think that declaring myself a Christian shuns away all wisps of my “bad girl” days, but I know this isn’t true. Every once in a while she appears, often when I least expect it.

Things are going well and there’s no sense that anything could deter me from the path on which I’ve set myself and suddenly, she appears. When she arrives, I start thinking the most bizarre things: Just go ahead and write a little and put off your bible study for another night. It’s just one night…You can have an affair with a married man. You’re not the one who’s married…Why not just quit your job and not do anything? Who could stop you…You’ve got some cash in your wallet and credit card. Get that Bailey’s you’ve been craving and just have a little drink.

The only thing that really keeps from letting the “bad girl” takeover is that it’s just too easy. As my mother often said when I was a child, “If it was easy, everyone would do it.” It’s easy to give into temptation just like it’s easy to procrastinate and let life’s troubles slide, but it’s very, very hard hold onto your principles when all those around you seem to succeed by not having any.

I’m not sure I’ve got anything significant to say about this tonight. I guess it just annoys me that I can no longer do whatever the heck I feel like doing because I now know and fear the repercussions of my actions and I know that I can’t go into sin by asking for forgiveness first.

I wrote 519 words tonight (his focus from his still uneaten sandwich.) and read the 13th chapter of Matthew (unfortunately in reverse order) despite the bad girl’s whispers in my ear that told me I really didn’t want to do either. I can’t say that I never listen to her anymore, but the harder I work to put God first in my life, the easier it is to ignore her.

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