I wrote 635 words tonight (rather than the display in the cafeteria), though it took me far longer than necessary to get there as I’ve been so unfocused this evening. Some days it’s nice to have my thoughts racing so wildly that I can barely follow them, but when they’re not about what I wish to write, it’s a severe pain in the rear to calm the side of my mind that behaves like a six-year-old in need of Ritalin.
On days like today, I wish I was more like my protagonist and could sketch the many faces that float in my head when my mind’s too busy to focus on writing. Then I could sketch away the faces and conversations and put all of my focus on what really mattered to me instead of replaying conversations and trying to make sense of them.
I think, for now, I’m just a little sick of people and the voice of others and I really just want to be left alone.
I saw an old couple in Walgreen’s tonight and the gentleman was very hunched with a cane as they stood in front of the incontinence garments. All I could think of as I passed them was, “Please God, let me die young. I don’t want that.”
Of course, I don’t really want to be left all alone and I don’t really want to die young, but when my thoughts are this unfocused, I feel as if I’m riding that border of rational thought and when I can’t direct those irrational thoughts into something productive like writing, this is what comes of it.