My sleep schedule is completely out of whack lately, to the point that I rarely know if I’m coming or going and have trouble functioning during the most important parts of the day. This, of course, does terrible things to my health as I eventually need a day or two to put myself back into orbit, which is part of why I stayed home today. I really need another day because I’m really not quite well yet, but we’ll see what the morning brings.
The worst part about it is that I really don’t have the time to be sick. I’ve timecards to approve, corrective action to give, feedback to provide and so forth, which brings me back to why I’ve had so much trouble sleeping lately.
I’m also in need of a creative outlet, one that has nothing to do with anything. Yesterday, I uploaded a Sims 2 hair retexture I did months earlier and just the act of taking the pictures within the game, making some slight edits in Photoshop and then editing the code of the new page was enough to light a creative fire in me that I’ve not felt in a long while.
It’s terribly ironic that I should need a creative outlet while I’ve been blogging every single day of 2011 and I’ve been writing every single day since February 1st, but along the way all this has become my second job: something that must be done no matter what. While there are no direct consequences other than my own disappointment, I still know I have to write and I have to post and since I have to do these things, they’ve taken on a significance of their own and whatever joy that came from purely creative nonsense (like sharing Sims 2 hair retextures) has been lost. I thought trying to learn the piano would be a great start, but the lessons haven’t been going well and quite frankly, I’m moving so slowly that I’m beginning to think this is all just a waste of time. I long to learn how to draw, but after what’s happened with the piano, I’m not sure I’ve got the discipline to really learn to do anything else. So I’m stumped on what to do. I can’t let things stay the way they are, but I’m also not able to take on any new endeavours. What to do…
I wrote 257 words tonight (he spent the night reading webcomics online) and am trying desperately not to fall into further depression at this point. The thought of my car so far has kept me elated at least twice a day, but worry about what will happen when the newness wears and it becomes just a method to get me from Point A to Point B.
This month’s goal was supposed to be to go to bed every night by 2am and actually go to bed rather than just fall wherever I happen to be sitting. So far I’m 0 and 3. Tomorrow/Today is May the 4th, so that will provide some hilarity as most Star Wars days do, but still…
I’ve just got to sort out this sleep and lack of creativity soon.