I am kaitco

a writer's log

Must Calm Down Saturday, April 2, 2011

About once a month I hit a point where I realize that there is just no way I’ll be able to do everything that I want to do. Tonight, I hit one of those points.

I do a lot of “self-discovery” when I find myself stressed and feeling angsty because it’s the only way in which I can rationalize why I do the things I do and why it is that I can never seem to get anything done. Today’s episode comes from being simply overwhelmed by first-job and coming to the realization that I may have to go into first-job, before and after church tomorrow. But, as I remind myself, there was so much more that I wanted to do tomorrow: my cousin is celebrating her birthday, my new laptop is coming, I wanted to do laundry and play piano and-and-and-and…the list goes on forever.

When all of this started to pile and pile for me, I realized that I simply wanted to do too much “right now.” I want the novel finished right now. I want to play Rock Band all day and night, right now. I want to read a book a week and create my own comic and complete my website and code all my videos into playlists and discover new games and learn Japanese and work out every day and…like I said, the list goes on forever. The trouble is that I’ll never be able to do all of this. I even tried to just write down all the things I want to do and I can’t even fit it in all on one page, aside from the fact that I’m too ADHD to stick to the same list for long enough to even remember why I started writing it.

I’m very stubborn, however, and I though I recognize that even if I discovered some way to never need sleep, it’s virtually impossible to accomplish all of this in the time frame I’m seeking, I still want to do it all; I just lack the organization to find a way from point A to Point B and lack the concentration not to get distracted by the A1s and A55s that I see branching along the road. This is a very depressing thought and once I come to this point, I usually start to cry because I simply don’t know what else to do.

All this whining and crying notwithstanding, I know I must calm down before something happens that keeps me from accomplishing anything.

Tonight, in accepting that there are something that just won’t get done today or even this weekend, I took some time to really sit and think about my novel and wrote some interesting notes for later prose and dialogue in addition to the 313 words (before he could even make a sound.) I was able to add to the full draft.

I’m not going to first-job tomorrow, though I may go in on Monday to make Tuesday less weary. I need my days off to be truly days off and I need to just calm down. I may not get to read a chapter of anything every day. That’s okay. I may not get to workout every day. That’s okay too. I may not get to practice the piano and practice Japanese and play Rock Band and code my website and draw comics and make playlists all in one. All that’s okay too.

If I don’t get something done for myself, it’s no big deal. Why? Because, as the procrastinator’s creed goes: There’s always tomorrow.

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