I am kaitco

a writer's log

Well, that was a trial Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Filed under: Favorite,Writing — kaitco @ 9:43 am
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I’ve just finished writing the scene where Munnerly approaches Damen about his silence and my mind’s ear is sounding very English right now.

Anyhoo, I just love the fact that I got something written this morning. It required what it always required: shutting off the damn TV. As soon as I turned on music, the writing (and the desire to write) just flowed as naturally as any other day.

I’ve long since known the correlation between what I have playing in the background and my ability to write. I’m not entirely sure when I first identified it, but I’ll gather it’s been a minimum of six years if not a full decade. One of these days, I’ve got to just stop messing around and only play music. When I turn on a TV playlist, it’s meant to distract me when I do other things: cleaning the house, playing the sims, coding, designing, video editing, etc. Writing, however, is a very specific task and whatever brain functions require me to “listen” to the TV and form the image in my mind’s eye cannot multitask. It’s either the TV is on and I’m doing other things or the music is on and I’m writing. TV and writing are my oil and water.

Outside of breaking my unproductive writing fast, today is the eleven year anniversary of when I finished my first novel, A Ten Minute Speech. I was fifteen, practically bed-ridden from my second ankle surgery and determined to finish the novel before the start of the new millennium. I remember how proud I was to just complete the thing. I haven’t really done much with it in about six or seven years, but I still cherish the thought of it and still have the original handwritten copy of that first draft. I can’t remember the time (since I always include a timestamp when I finish), but I can remember the feeling of accomplishment that ran through me. Why I couldn’t, at that time, realize that I should have started aspiring to make writing my goal in life, I don’t know, but I just loved the fact that it was finished; that I had finished a novel at age 15.

Every once in a while, I’ll pull out the old pages and sift through my old writing. When I had started Evan, I was just 11 and still dotted my I’s with circles and I had gone through three or four revisions in hot pink and bright teal pen; I was so young then.

I have no lofty aspiration to complete the novel before the new year any longer since that would require somewhere close to 5K words a day and I just squeaked through 686 today, but I think back on days like today eleven years ago and know that I can do this…when I’m ready.

 

Now to get going again… Monday, December 20, 2010

Filed under: Dorienne,The Sims — kaitco @ 10:09 pm
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I don’t remember when I last wrote. I’d love to, but I can’t seem to get going again.

I’m not even inspired to post, but I really didn’t have an excuse for not writing and wanted to look back on today and say that I’ve at least written something.

It may be because I’ve had The Simpsons on for the last 48 hours (making that random Simpsons list was really a bad idea in hindsight) and my mind is slowly turning mush. I think if I just keep playing the Sims, I’ll get sick of it soon and move back to Guitar Hero and then back to my routine of food, Guitar Hero and writing. Hopefully…

D’oh…

 

Sleep Sunday, December 19, 2010

Filed under: Dorienne,Favorite — kaitco @ 10:29 am
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I don’t think I wrote anything at all yesterday; blogging, novelling or otherwise. I really needed the break.

I have been down lately. I’m not sure if it’s because of the weather, the cold house, my frustrations of working on a novel for now 3 years without having a complete project, the wall I’ve hit with my first job or just the lack of sleep.

What’s interesting though, as I started to write this, I turned off “The Simpsons” and turned on my music. As I started writing about my frustrations, what song unpaused in the queue: “Ooh Child” by Valerie Carter. The words, “Ooh child…things are gonna get easier.” just made me smile because I really, really, really needed to hear that this morning. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me either.

Anyway, I turned on my electric blanket last night and fell asleep around 11 o’clock and slept through the night. I’m not sure if it was the sleep or the break or sending out my resume a bit yesterday, but I’m feeling much better today.

Sometimes, between the lack of proper sleep and the first job frustrations (I interviewed someone on Friday who looked at me like I was stupid for asking for a time when she had to make goals for herself. It’s a pretty standard interview question! 😡 ), I get so low that it’s difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m going to church today because I want to and also because it took me ten minutes to understand why so many folks on Twitter kept adding biblical quotes in their tweets (Duh! It’s Sunday! This is the day that the Lord has made!).

Things will get better and I will finish this novel. Maybe God’s just trying to teach me patience and humility. Maybe just endurance. Maybe something I’m not even able to see at this point. It doesn’t matter. I’ll be fine.

Ooh child…

 

Blejalgaeioagou Friday, December 17, 2010

Filed under: Dorienne,Writing — kaitco @ 10:14 pm
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I’m just so sick of it.

It’s days like these
when I feel so insignificant,
so tired,
so cold,
so bored,
so angry,
so useless,
I’m just not sure what else to do.
Not writing,
barely working,
not loving,
barely living.
How long can I go on like this?

How long?

 

Day Three Thursday, December 16, 2010

Filed under: The Sims,Writing — kaitco @ 9:49 am
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For the third time this week, I found myself lacking the desire to write.

After feeling achy from my chest, to my legs, to my hands and feet, I just wanted to be warm and to play the sims. The problem with the sims is that I’ve recently made decision in the game to make all my “breeder” families and households into just Townie sims and hope for the best since none of these families were ever fun to play since they didn’t have a backstory to them.

I was in the middle of considering to bulldoze half the Bluewater Village neighborhood and set up eight or nine families like I had in another neighborhood, but the task sounded too daunting and, while pondering this further, I dozed in my chair, eventually crawling to the bed at around 2:30am.

I woke up this morning ashamed that, again, I had not written anything and was about to just pull up Damen so it would be ready for me when I got home this evening. Then I saw the timestamp on the last save of chapters 7-8: “December 12, 2010 11:14pm.”

Technically speaking, it had still only been 3 days since I last wrote, my mind did the simple math and counted it as four days (December 13, 14, 15 and 16) without anything written and knew that I had to break the cycle before a full 7 days elapsed with nothing accomplished.

I only wrote 140 this morning and, even though it was just the “full prose” of previous “heavy notes,” I’m glad that I at least started something. The first job is just really pushing on me heavily and, though I’m tired, I’ve got to figure out a way to energize myself in the evenings.

Perhaps it’s time to turn on the heat…

 

Motivation = Zero Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Filed under: Dorienne — kaitco @ 9:59 am
Tags: ,

I was going to try and pull together just a few quick words this morning, but my motivation has hit a wall and I haven’t wanted to really do anything right now.

I haven’t got much to say other than my mind is just preoccupied. I’m worry about my grandmother’s surgery tomorrow; it’s not exactly the best idea to operate on a 87 year old woman, but I know it’s necessary.

It’s just hard to focus on anything specific when the mind simply can’t be quieted. So, it’s not so much that my motivation is zero, but that my concentration is simply defunct at a time when my motivation is low. So, defunct concentration + low motivation = zero words written.

 

A break Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I took a Guitar Hero slash movie break last night. Honestly, I just wasn’t in the mood to write. (Dear God…it’s 6 degrees out right now…)

I played Guitar Hero until I hit another wall; another crappy song that’s too hard for me to quickly master and will require three or four weeks worth of playing before I get it. I made some lasagna (which I left out now that I think about it, though it may still be fine since I haven’t turned on the heat) and I sat down to watch Branagh’s “Henry V” again.

The first time I attempted “Henry V,” I was very cold and tired and I just didn’t get it. I tried to follow along with the play on my Shakespeare app, but like most film adaptations of Shakespeare, the script was hacked to pieces and jumped everywhere. I then tried to at least follow the story with the help of SparkNotes and wiki articles on the play and the titular character. In the end, I kept falling asleep since I was lost between the accents and the old English and, when I woke up for the last time, Emma Thompson was on the screen speaking French and she had all this hair! I just wanted to jump through the TV screen and tackle her with a bottle of Frizz-Ez and a flat iron. By that point, I was so confused because I wasn’t sure if there were supposed to subtitles or not and since I wasn’t sure how much I missed while asleep, I gave up on it for the night.

Last night went much better and, like with many of Branagh’s films, I cried a bit at the end. It was the sight of the king carrying one of the dead boys across the battlefield that really got me. I enjoyed it a lot this time around and even got an added bonus from when I finally placed Steve from “Coupling” with an unwarranted and loud “Norrington!” shout at the television when it came to me.

At 2am, I still wasn’t tired, so I watched a bit of “Little Shop of Horrors” and sang along through half of the film until I realized I was probably going to just fall asleep downstairs and crawled upstairs to bed.

A part of me sort of wishes that I had written something, anything, but overall, I’m glad I took a break. I’ve been feeling out of sorts lately and not wanting to do anything, so hopefully the break will help give me the boost I need.

 

 
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